One day at a time

My post failed IVF appointment is on June 11th. Chris will be out of town for work so we had to push it back. I am so ready for this appointment to find out what went wrong and/or to see what my doctor suggest. I am starting acupuncture on June 7th. I am going to a place in Norman who also does Chinese medicine. I am really excited about starting it and I am so thankful to my in-laws who gave me some money towards it! I had a really nice massage the other day. I am really trying to relax and be positive. Sometimes that is hard and sometimes some days are harder then others, but I am doing much better! It is a step by step process.

I have also started considering adoption and looking at options, but I am not ready to let go at this point of having a baby on my own yet.

Lately I have felt a little anger at teenage pregnancy and family members that are not married having children. I know that is awful, but it is the truth. I just get upset watching it all around me...well it seems like it at least. I just keep praying that God will heal my heart and lift the anger from it. I know it is not good, but I am also trying to heal through this process. It has definitely been difficult.

I will update my blog when I find out new information about what is going on and what our next steps will be. I am finally off my period....It was an AWFUL period!!

Stronger

Tomorrow will be one week since I found out that our first IVF cycle failed. It was one of the worst days I have experienced. Please don't tell me there are worst things in life because at that moment that was the worst thing that could happen to me. I am doing much better. Every day I am a little bit stronger. I still get a little teary eyed occasionally, but overall I am much better! I believe God is giving me strength to move on. My sweet in-laws sent me a gift so I can start acupuncture. I have read lots of good things about acupuncture so I am going to give it a try! I am also taking so things out of my diet. I mean business with this baby making. :) Seriously though..I have to try all I can! We only have 2 days left of school! Crazy! I will miss my second graders like crazy, but I am so ready for school to be out. I need to be able to focus on what we are going through.

A new day

After a very long night of crying I am slowly getting better. I am not ok..yet. I am still sad, angry, and confused. I know most people won't understand this, but I feel like I am grieving a death..seriously. It is like I can't wake up from a bad dream. We go see our doctor in two weeks. Yesterday I was mad that we have to wait 2 weeks, but then after thinking logically I thought that was best. I guess I would rather have time to grieve and then go in with a fresh head and be able to move on.

I never imagined having a child would be this hard and I never imagined wanting a child as bad as Chris and I want one. It is such an empty feeling. My fear is that I will never experience pregnancy. That is a terrible fear.

I know without a doubt that my God is here with me and giving me strength to pick up all the little pieces of my heart that broke yesterday. My God loves me and I know he has a wonderful plan. I don't understand it right now and I am still angry, but I believe God will heal my heart soon.

I am so very thankful for my husband who has been such a great support person. He is strong and I know his heart hurts terrible. He was pretty down yesterday.

So today I am one step closer to whatever God's plan is. I sure hope that plan is that I will have a sweet baby soon. I am heartbroken..very heartbroken. BUT, it will get better.

I decided to skip a school baby shower tomorrow. It is best for me. I have been strong enough to attend all the baby shower's I've been invited to, but I thought very hard and it is best if I skip the one tomorrow. I have to take care of myself too. I did pitch in money for a gift. I am giving a shower in two weeks and I pray that my strength is back by then. If not I guess it will be a tearful day afterwards.

Thank you for all the prayers and continued support! I hope soon Chris and I can give fantastic news. For now just know we appreciate all of our family and friends support.

IVF cycle #1

My first IVF cycle failed. I'm not pregnant. I am angry, sad, and jealous. I am so heartbroken right now. I do not understand why we are going through this.

Mother's Day

So here it is the day that I have dreaded for awhile..Mother's Day! Currently all I have done is cried. I cry seeing little babies with their momma's. I hope that on Wednesday I will be told I will finally be a mom, but then a part of me is scared of more disappointment...I know most people say stay positive, but after 2 years of trying it is hard! I am also writing out my friend's shower invitations which is also making me an emotional mess. I will be ok..tomorrow. :) Today, I will try to finish up these invites so I can hang out with my sweet husband. I do have to say that my sweet sister in-law sent me a sweet text message that made me cry..a good cry! She basically said that one day I will be the best mom! How sweet. :)

My pictures

 

 

 

Here are the 2 embryos that were transferred!

 

 

My sweet husband sent me flowers! He is so sweet!

 

Day 5/Transfer Day

Yesterday was transfer day. We had two embryos transferred. I had to have a full bladder for transfer. So that was a little uncomfortable for me. The objects and pushing on my belly was not helpful either. Then I had to lay there for an hour with my knees up before I go to the restroom. Man that sucked! My mom came to help and it has been very nice. My back is hurting from laying on my back so much, but hopefully it all we will be worth it. I have a picture I will post when I get on my other computer. May 15th I will do my blood pregnancy test and I can't wait. So nervous...I hope this next week flies by fast.

Day 3

On day 3 embryos:

We have 3 (10 celled embryos), 1 (9 cell embryo), and2 ( 7 celled embryos). The secondary one didn't divide. Numbers are looking good. There will be no call/update for day 4 because from day 3 to day 4 there is not many changes.

Day 2

Day 2 update:

There are 3 (6 celled), 2(5 cells), 1(4 cell). The nurse said tomorrow we are looking for them to double. I will be a day 5 transfer so on Monday. She also said the 2 icsi'ed yesterday 1- nothing (no fertilization) and 1- fertilized, but doesn't look pretty. Whoo! I am so ready for Monday! :) I will be on bed rest though Wednesday. This weekend I have plans to find a few books to read! I can only get up to use the restroom. I will blog with my update tomorrow of day 3! Pray they develop well!

Day 1

9 retrieved; 7 matured;  3 fertilized;  2 matured overnight and they were icsi'd this morning. I know this is short, but I am so tired! My class had a musical tonight so I was at school late!

Retrieval

We had to be at Bennet Fertility at 7:30 this morning. The put me in a room to get dressed in the lovely gown that I had to wear! Sexy huh? ;) The start my IV..which was the worst part of the whole process. They take me back to the room to do the retrieval. Last thing I remember is being told to put the mask on. :) Then I took a nap. Hahaha. I remember waking up to people talking to me and then falling back asleep. I wake up finally and see my husband sitting there. He went and got me a sprite. I was thirsty! I had to go to the bathroom really bad too! Finally after using the restroom I was able to get the IV out and get dressed. I was wheeled out to my car. That is embarrassing because everyone stares at you. I had 9 eggs retrieved. They will call tomorrow to update us. That is all peeps. Now, I am going to finish my movie I am watching and rest. :)