4 Months without our Blakely Ranee

July 27 marked 4 months since Blakely was born sleeping. Sometimes it seems like a lifetime since that day and others seems like it was yesterday. I miss her with all my heart. I still have days where I am angry and sad at God. I have gone back and forth of being angry and not angry. I have tried to over those feelings up because it makes me feel guilty. I am realizing it is just part of the grieving process though and I can't hide those feelings. I have my good days, but I still have my bad days. According to my therapist that is normal so I am not going to beat myself up over that. Blakely was our little miracle IVF baby and that will never be lost on me. How I wish things were different, but I am so proud to be her momma! She gave me hope and will forever be my baby girl. My forever baby. The baby that was determined to show me that miracles do exist. I never in my wildest dreams  thought I would ever be pregnant. She proved to us that it can happen. I don't know what God will give us in the future. I don't know if she will be my only pregnancy and delivery, but I do know she was fought for. She was wanted! She is loved! She will never be forgotten! Blakely was stillborn, but still BORN! 

                                     



I partnered up with fertilityiq and we raised $450 to donate to the bereavement fund at Integris. We donated the cuddle cot and $1100 at the beginning of July. It is really sad for me to think of a family using the cuddle cot, but I know the extra time they will be given with their precious baby will be amazing.

I know it is easy to get caught up on our children growing up, but to put it in perspective. Think about not watching them grow up. I will never see Blakely grow up. I will never hear her first words, see her first smile, walking, running, playing sports,  first day of school, etc. That breaks my heart into a million pieces. I do cherish Braxton growing up. What a honor to be his mom and watching who he will be. I know his little sister Blakely is watching over him.

Loved baby

I have been reading a devotional called Loved Baby. I wanted to share a part with you. "He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth." (1 Peter 2:22)  Jesus never sinned, yet he suffered. We all suffer in this world. Good and bad happens to us all. The bible is clear the loss of our little one is not because of any sin we have conducted, nor would it have been prevented had we been perfect. (Loved Baby devotional-searching Why)

The bible provides us instances after instance of people lamenting their concerns to God. There is none more profound than Jesus hanging on the cross: "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" Which means My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Matthew 27:46 (Loved baby devotional-Searching Why)

Jesus felt abandoned and you probably feel abandoned. This reading in the devotional was God saying this is not your fault. Stop blaming yourself. Evil exists in our world. Each one of us go through bad and good. We will all deal with unfair deaths of loved ones, hurt, pain, etc. As much as we want to question God we will never get that answer in this  lifetime on earth. Questioning and asking God doesn't mean you are a bad Christian. It means you are grieving. Take heart and cry out to our God. He is listening and he is covering you with a hug. God wants us to cry out and talk to him. Even when we are angry he is listening. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

I wish I could say that every pain, heartache, anger, jealousy, etc is gone from my heart, but it isn't. I am still working through my grieving process of my daughter Blakely Ranee. I know she is in heaven with Jesus and one day I will see her again. That gives me a peace. God is still helping me as I mourn my daughter. It really doesn't get easier. It gets different. I am forever changed because of Blakely. I was able to carry her and give birth. I met and held my beautiful daughter. I wish things were different, but I am honored to be her momma. She is a gift from God and I will be forever thankful for the time I had with her. I wish she was still growing and that I would bring her home, but I can't. I can't rewind time as much as I want to. I have to hold onto hope and God. I have to lean on God during the most difficult time of my life to get me through this. I couldn't get through this without God by my side. I hope the part of the devotional I shared gives you some peace. Check out the devotional because it really is a great one that I highly recommend.

What happens after a stillbirth

First, this post may be a little TMI, but people around us experiencing a stillbirth need you to know. Your body does not know your baby died. We experience all the after effects of birth like anyone else. That includes bleeding and milk coming in. Let me tell you that was painful and made everything so emotional! The day before Blakely's service my boobs were so engorged and red. It hurt when Braxton bumped into me and when people hugged me. Our hormones are out of whack just like someone who has a baby born alive. Except we are also dealing with a very traumatic loss of our baby as well. The reason I share this is because people forget. People seem to forget that just because our babies have passed away that we still deal with the after effects of birth. Pain, bleeding, milk coming, recovering from either vaginal birth or C-section. One more reminder for anyone reading my blog who has experienced a stillbirth or infant loss. Do not let anyone tell you that you need to stop grieving and move on. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't talk about your baby or grieve openly. This is one of the most difficult things you may ever go through. You grieve the way you want! It will take a lifetime....we don't just recover from this.

Appointment with Dr. K and headstone

Yesterday we  had an appointment with Dr.K. The placenta report came back fine so it was only the cord accident. It makes me glad nothing else was wrong, but sad for our Blakely. I hate that is happened because she should still be growing and getting bigger. He told us that he is obviously worried about our emotional well being as we went through a traumatic loss and we can never replace  Blakely. So I don't know what our future holds, but one thing for sure is she will be forever missed! We are starting grief counseling so hopefully it helps with some of the grieving process.

If you are wondering how I am doing. I am ok. I still cry every day. Especially when I am alone. I cry every time I go to the cemetery. When I am alone that is when I talk to Blakely the most and pray to God. I have to pray and cry out to God because what we are going through is one of the most awful things I have ever gone through. Losing a child is hard. All my dreams and plans I had for Blakely will not happen.

I still have a few weeks before I am released to workout, but I am walking a 5k with a friend this month. The Remember the 10 run in Stillwater.

Yesterday we designed Blakely's headstone. We should get a proof in about a week. I can't wait to see it. I know it will  be beautiful just like her. I am trying to find way to honor Blakely's name. Maybe raising money for stillborn research or cooling cots? I am still thinking on this.

Again, please let me know if you see butterflies. They remind us of Blakely. Please say her name. You can bring her up. We love her and miss her. Just because she is in heaven doesn't mean we can't talk about her. She will always be that missing piece in our hearts and have a special place in our lives.

Our sweet Blakely Ranee

After a long journey of IVF we had finally achieved pregnancy after 3 ivf cycles, 1 donor cycle, break then a 4th ivf cycle. We were so excited. We found out it was a little girl and we named her Blakely. At 23 weeks I went in for an heartbeat check to find out our Blakely's heart stopped. We were so devastated. Chris wasn't at this appointment with me. When the doctor said ok lets go check with an ultrasound my heart sank, but I tried to keep myself together and holding onto hope all was ok. When my doctor started the ultrasound I knew it wasn't ok. I didn't see the flicker of her heartbeat. Braxton was with me and my doctor turned to the nurse and asked her to take Braxton to get a sucker. At that moment I knew it was real and I just let out a huge cry and my hands went to my face. I remember saying to Dr. K that no this can't be happening we went through so many ivf cycles to get pregnant with her. He said I know I know and held me as I cried. I will never ever forget that day. The day my heart broke into a million pieces. I called Chris who immediately left work.  The following Thursday we had an appt to confirm. I didn't even look at the ultrasound machines because I already knew. It was awful. I had to carry my Blakely for an additional week before I delivered her. The following Monday I started meds and delivered her on Tuesday March 27, 2018 at 7:15 pm. Dr. K checked Blakely out. He came to us and said she is beautiful and healthy its a cord accident. I started crying again because I was so angry. I was angry because this shouldn't have happened. I was admitted to the hospital at 6:00 am on Tuesday. The nurses were outstanding. They walked me through everything, kept my pain under control, and helped us with all the next steps that followed delivery. We were able to hold our sweet girl, take pictures, etc. She stayed in our room the whole night. The next day when we were released was so hard. It is very unnatural to leave your baby at the hospital and knowing you will never come back for them either. The funeral home picked Blakely up and we met with them the next day. They let us have some time with her again. I wanted pictures of her in the outfit I bought for her burial. It was a pink/lace gown with a bonnet. She was precious in it. Oh how I wish we didn't have to go through this. I miss my baby girl so much. It is hard to wrap my head around how this happened. Blakely was wanted, fought for, loved, and planned! If only my love could have saved my baby girl. I still don't know when I will be ok. I feel like I will never be ok. When you fight so hard for something and it is taken from you like this its hard to understand. It is hard not to be angry.
The Saturday following her delivery March 31, 2018 we had Blakely's service. My pastor came to help with her service, we played the song Glory Baby, and released balloons for Blakely. It was a hard day, but a beautiful service for our perfect girl. I have gone to the cemetery almost everyday. I talk to her and cry. I miss her with every piece of myself. Her brother misses her. He doesn't understand at all. He use to kiss my belly every night and tell Blakely he loved her. We did read a special book and visited the cemetery with him. We talked about how Blakely is in heaven with Jesus. He doesn't fully understand, but enough to know she isn't coming home with us and mommy is no longer pregnant.
I have really struggled with appetite. I cry a lot. I am triggered by a lot of things. I have cried in public. This is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. Having a baby born stillborn is tough. I know some may think I should just get over this, but I can't. All I know is Blakely is my daughter and always will be.
Blakely Ranee Mace we love you forever and ever! You are a beautiful baby girl. You were taken too soon and for that I will never understand. I will see you again in heaven one day. I can't wait to hold you again.

Safe Sleep for babies

A family in my neighborhood lost their little rainbow baby from something that was 100 percent preventable. This family struggled with multiple losses before getting pregnant with their rainbow. Then just like that this little baby was taken from his family and earth too soon. I want to share a bit of their story and about safe sleep practices for all the little babies.
Their little guy went to a home daycare. The daycare worker let him sleep in his car seat and he was swaddled in the car seat. He was not buckled in his seat. The daycare worker didn't check on him for 1 1/2 hours. The door was closed and there was no monitor to listen/watch so little Shepard couldn't alert her that he was in any trouble. The daycare worker was distracted talking with a friend while he was in the other room sleeping. When she checked on him he wasn't breathing. He slid down in his seat and was suffocated. ( Positional asphyxia) You can read their whole story and learn safe sleep practices on their page. https://www.facebook.com/shepardswatchOK?fref=ts
Reading their story still brings tears to my eyes. My little guy is right around Shepard's age. Ali will share their story with you. If we all work together we can educate people on safe sleep practices for our smallest little miracles on this earth. I have already learned a lot from Ali pushing for safe sleep practices for babies. I hope that you will go to the link above and read their whole story. If you are a blogger would you share about Shepard and safe sleep practices?

What is going on in our lives?

I haven't blogged much about how things are going with us. I have thought and thought about what and how much I want to share about our little guy publicly on my blog. I don't want to make it private since I feel like someone may need to read our journey. I don't want to share too much information about my little guy either. I will say that he is 9 months and the happiest little boy ever. He is seriously the biggest blessing in our lives. He has taken so much sadness away from all the pain we experienced with infertility. I am a stay at home mom now. I thought I would miss teaching, but honestly I love spending my time with him and I am so glad we made the decision for me to stay home.

Our adoption story...

On Dec. 3rd our homestudy was approved and the very next day Braxton's birth mom choose us to be his parents. We met her about a week later to have dinner with her-open adoption. Braxton was born on Dec. 14, 2014 at 11:22 Am. We were called that morning around 3 I believe to head to the hospital where we waited till our sweet boy was born. It was love at first sight. We love

his birth mom so much..she made some choices during her pregnancy that we were not sure how it would effect him, but God protected our sweet boy and he is perfectly healthy. I am choosing to not go into detail about those choices because I don't want a lot of judgment against her. She made a selfless choice. She has had a hard life and unless you walked in her shoes we just can't sit back and judge her. He weighed 6 lbs and 3 ounces. It took 2 months to fully get rights terminated from both potential birth dads. It was a long wait, but it is finally over. Our adoption happened fairly quick overall. It is crazy to think about how it all worked out for us. Our case workers have been amazing and I love our agency so much! Adoption is really an amazing thing and I can't imagine our lives without our little miracle baby. He is truly a miracle baby to us!

Our adoption

Sorry I have not updated in so long! First off our adoption home study was approved on December 3, 2014. Then a birth mom picked our profile on December 4, 2014. Then our sweet blessing was born on December 14, 2014. We are not allowed to share details or pictures at this time. Later in time I will share more about our beautiful story. We are truly thankful that God picked us to be parents of this child and forever thankful for this opportunity that at times we never thought we would have. After a long and painful 3 1/2 years we finally have our little miracle baby. Until later...

Treatments to adoption-what does it look like?

Here lately, I have been blogging less. I have at times felt like I do not have a lot to share or no one will relate. It is the awkward time where I stand between the fertility treatment and adoption world. It is weird and different. So, I thought I am going to share how this time is feeling for me. 
First, the sadness of not experiencing pregnancy is still very real and sad. I am not sure if this sadness will ever go away till I am in my grave. I have met so many wonderful ladies in the infertility world that I love dearly. Recently it has been hard to relate to a lot of them because I feel so alone in this part of my journey. Most of the girls I was the closest to have either had babies or currently pregnant. I am so happy for them, but such a lonely feeling for me. Every day I am more and more ok with the thought that I may never have a genetic baby. I know that God has a perfect little baby out there for us. I can't wait till that day! 
Now, we are on the adoption side which I can say is not an easy process either! You feel so judged by their questions because they dig for any negative they can get to...at least that is how it feels. I can honestly say though after beginning the journey to adoption this is the happiest I have been in a very long time. I finally feel like we have a light at the end of the tunnel. Our infertility and treatments were some very difficult times that most will never fully understand. The sadness, depression, feel helpless, and no control over anything really sucked! With adoption it is hard, but I feel like we are moving forward at least. Now we just wait...and wait..and wait some more till the perfect gift is given to our family. 
I have heard so many times just adopt after failed treatments. First, please don't say that to someone struggling to conceive. Can you imagine the feeling this couple has at not being able to have a baby? It is awful. Also, adoption is not easy and it is expensive. Adoption is a wonderful thing, but it is not for everyone. Adoption is for us though and we are so happy to be on this journey to our sweet baby. We have been preparing our nursery and having fun doing it. 
I thought the comments I got during my fertility treatments were bad...well I have heard some pretty pathetic comments towards adoption too. Here are a few.. Oh, when you adopt you will get pregnant! Wow, really? It isn't that easy people! I have been told that I am "lucky" that I don't have to experience pregnancy and delivery. I don't know how anyone would think I was lucky..I think that makes me pretty unlucky actually. Could you imagine not having the children you have or never having a baby? No matter how awful your pregnancy or delivery was. Aren't you scared the birth-mom will steal your baby? No, I am not. Open adoptions are great for all involved. Those mama's need our love and prayers so much. I pray for a love so fierce for my child's birth mom because that means so much to Chris and I. After attending our seminar I learned so much and took in so much. I cried and cried. You know, these women are giving the life of their baby to us and trusting us to parent. These women deserve to be loved and prayed for. They deserve to see pictures of their babies. They deserve to be respected. They do not deserve to be put down and told they made that choice. They made a decision that they felt/feel is best for their child. That takes a strong woman! 

Home-study

We had our home-study visit Thursday. It went great. We will receive a letter in about 3-4 weeks.  Then at that time we can be on the list for birth mom's to look at our profile. We are excited to see God's beautiful blessings come through. So excited for our journey to be parents.

Home study process

Sorry for the lack of blogging. Teaching again really drains me. I have no energy. Haha. Anyway, so here is an update. Chris and I both have done our interviews, test, etc. and now we have our final home study/couple interview tomorrow. I am taking a personal day so I will have the whole day off tomorrow! Yay! After this we will be on the list for birth moms to look at our profile! Yay! Please pray that God has a great woman out there ready to choose us! :) We are limited on what we can share with this process, but I promise soon we will be able to share lots of pictures etc. Just pray this is a fast and smooth process. I know God has a wonderful plan for our lives and a child perfect for us!

Photo book

 I wanted to share our photo book. Let me know if you have trouble viewing it. Let me know what you think about it! Thanks!


http://www.mixbook.com/photo-books/all/lisa-and-chris-10926003?vk=2XNgn5GjAC

Sneak Peek Pictures

I hope you enjoy looking at a few photos from our photo shoot! We can't wait till we get them all! Jennifer Klotz photography did an amazing job! So happy with our photos and so glad she captured such an important part of this journey to adoption!

Adoption pictures

My sweet friend Emily made Chris and I a banner that says We're Adopting! My other sweet friend Julianne made the Growing in our Hearts board. I made the other one. I am so excited for our pictures!

Home study update

Yesterday I went to my doctor appointment. It went well and I really really really liked the doctor that Chris and I both saw. He shared his infertility and adoption story with me. It was nice having someone know the real pain of infertility and failed cycles. He said I know you've been through a lot and I hope your adoption journey is amazing as my wife's and mine. 
We also have set up our individual interviews for next month. October will be a busy month for us! :) 
I also have a sweet friend who was picked by a birth mom! I am so excited for her! She is a friend I met through this journey of infertility...and I am so blessed by her friendship and I can't wait to go to her baby shower!!

Great Are You Lord!

Love love this song! Sang Great Are you Lord at church today and it really touched my heart today! I had to share! No matter the struggle in life God is always by our side...even in the times where we try to push him away because we are angry.

Adoption

We submitted our home study paper work on Friday. The adoption class is on October 10th. It will be about 8 weeks before our background checks come back. We are doing pictures later in the month of September. They will set up our interviews soon for our home study.

Letting it all out...

I am going to be real honest that this post is hard to write. Ever since my third failed IVF I have struggled big time with my faith and many other things. I have felt so lonely and that God has forgotten about me. I have sat here and at times can't muster a prayer to talk to God. I feel guilty for my actions. I just can't get over it all and I just keep wondering why? What in the world did I do to deserve this? I am not writing this to be criticized for the way I feel or falling to my knees in my faith. I am writing this post to show my weakness and sadness...to show you that sometimes it takes a long time to heal. The other night on our walk I just cried to my husband about how I felt about his whole journey and just a feeling that God has forgotten about me and not listening to my crying and tears for three years. At times it really does feel this way. I know that God loves us and this is not the case at all...and I am trying to pull myself from this thought process and move on with positive thoughts. Forgive me for letting all my feelings out like this because I know this makes me very vulnerable to harsh comments. I just had to write how I have been feeling lately and give you the truth on how I have felt. One day at a time..it will get better. One day when I am holding my child a lot of the bad will be erased, but till then I will have times where I won't know how much longer I can make it through infertility. It is a hard road people..and frankly I am tired of being on this painful journey. 
I also just want to have you all pray for two sweet friends I have been through infertility who have both had a miscarriage recently. It makes me so sad for them. It is so unfair. Such a cruel journey..
We have two months till our adoption class. Then maybe things will start moving a long and I will start feeling better with things moving forward. 

God's Not Dead

My mom and I watched this movie today. Excellent movie if you haven't seen it. To me it was great reminder that even when bad happens that God is still here. I know for me that during my battle through infertility I have been angry and upset about my situation and will blame God. God isn't doing this to me and my husband though. Bad things happen to all of us, but God is here to comfort us and lean on him as we fight through our situations. Even when I fall and fail God he is still here to pick me up and love me anyway.