I am not as strong as you think I am...

I am still waiting for the miscarriage to happen.. that is the worst part just waiting. I am finding it very hard to move on when it hasn't happened yet. I stopped my meds on Friday so it should be happening soon. If you are wondering how I am doing...well, the best that I can. I am sad and angry, but you probably expect that. I am weak right now..weak because I have no strength to even give a fake smile right now. Sometimes I think I fool a lot of people around me because I have so many people that say I am strong. I am not strong and have cried so many times. Sometimes I just sit here and ask what in the heck just happened and why? Sometimes I am so angry that I start asking God why he is not helping us? Then I start reminding myself that God has plan to prosper you and not hurt you. Then I get angry at myself for questioning my God and being angry. 

I am sad because my friends and family are afraid to tell me about pregnancies. That makes me sad. It should be an exciting time, but instead they are worried they will hurt me. I have friends who tell me I don't have to come to their baby shower. I appreciate all my friends and family who are worried about me, but the thing I have realized is that if I run everyone off because of Chris and my craptastic situation we are in then I wouldn't have any friends or support.  

I am confused and sad, but day by day things will get better. In December we will have more answers and actions so we can move further. Until then we heal and move on with our journey. A journey I never thought I would be on...A journey I hope to never watch someone else go through. 

Facing your Giants

Today at church we had a guest speaker. His name was Abraham Wright-he is a former Colorado football player. He is spoke today about us facing our giants and how God fights some battles for us, but others we have to fight with God on our side. This message spoke to my heart in a big way today...and I think that Chris and I both needed to hear this message more than ever today. We are facing a giant in our lives currently and that giant is Infertility. It is easy for us to lose hope and feel down and feel like we will never be parents. We have gone through a lot in the last two years of infertility. In the last two years we have gone through month after month of no pregnancy. I have been through multiple test and some of which were very uncomfortable. I had a surgery that revealed that I have stage 4 endometriosis. I have been on fertility medicines and lots of injections. We have gone through one failed IVF. We have experienced a lot of pregnancy announcements and a lot of friends who have babies now. That is why sometimes we are discouraged. BUT, God is on our side. We are fighting a battle in our lives that sucks really bad, but our God has never left our side. God is telling us to look at Him through this difficult time and to not give up on his promise to us. I know that God wants us to be parents and we will be parents one day. I know that God has a plan and a promise to us..and I know that I will still be sad and angry some days. That is natural. But, I need to remember always that God is on our side! He will get us through this journey we are going through. So, if you are going through infertility remember it is not over yet! Don't give up! If you are facing other giants in your life remember God also has a plan for you and He is on your side as you go through whatever you are going through. Listen, I am not perfect and a fail my God daily, but one thing I know is that I have a forgiving God and a God who will always be my side. He will never leave Chris and I and that is an Awesome feeling. I really needed this today since I have been down a lot...maybe because we are at a standstill in our fertility treatments...but soon we will be moving onto IVF #2! I am so excited to start IVF again and see the outcome of Gods promises.

Here is a picture of our early morning service with Abraham Wright.

My best friend

Only 2 more days till our appointment! Wow..I can't believe it is finally here. I am praying and hoping this will be our time! I will update on Wednesday after my appointment and first injection.

So, while I am on here I just wanted to share about my  amazing best friend, Jennifer! She has been my biggest supporter and has been amazing! She has a new baby, but still checks on me and listens. It is hard to find a true friend like that. I hope she knows how much I appreciate her! God has truly blessed me with the greatest best friend! Love her!!