I am going to be real honest that this post is hard to write. Ever since my third failed IVF I have struggled big time with my faith and many other things. I have felt so lonely and that God has forgotten about me. I have sat here and at times can't muster a prayer to talk to God. I feel guilty for my actions. I just can't get over it all and I just keep wondering why? What in the world did I do to deserve this? I am not writing this to be criticized for the way I feel or falling to my knees in my faith. I am writing this post to show my weakness and sadness...to show you that sometimes it takes a long time to heal. The other night on our walk I just cried to my husband about how I felt about his whole journey and just a feeling that God has forgotten about me and not listening to my crying and tears for three years. At times it really does feel this way. I know that God loves us and this is not the case at all...and I am trying to pull myself from this thought process and move on with positive thoughts. Forgive me for letting all my feelings out like this because I know this makes me very vulnerable to harsh comments. I just had to write how I have been feeling lately and give you the truth on how I have felt. One day at a time..it will get better. One day when I am holding my child a lot of the bad will be erased, but till then I will have times where I won't know how much longer I can make it through infertility. It is a hard road people..and frankly I am tired of being on this painful journey.
I also just want to have you all pray for two sweet friends I have been through infertility who have both had a miscarriage recently. It makes me so sad for them. It is so unfair. Such a cruel journey..
We have two months till our adoption class. Then maybe things will start moving a long and I will start feeling better with things moving forward.
I can't imagine at all that you would get harsh comments, I mean we all feel this way at times during this journey. I feel the same way as you right now in that I can't even find the words to pray to God. I'm not mad at God because I know there is a plan, maybe it's more like the silent treatment to some degree?? That's the best way to describe it. I know he knows what my thoughts are but it is tough sometimes. You as well as your two friend will be in my prayers :) Big hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteThank you Amie!
DeleteI love your honesty and transparency and so does God. He desires for you to come to Him and just pray what is on your heart...so don't shy away and be afraid to do it. There is so much freedom when you come to Him and just let it out. Love ya girl! xoxo
ReplyDeletewaitingforbabybird.com
Thank you Elisha. Love ya!
DeleteI don't think you need to apologize or feel guilty for expressing these feelings. The Bible is full of examples of godly men and women crying out and expressing sorrow, despair, and anger towards God. He is big enough to handle our emotions. I heard a sermon recently that said the key is to complain and vent TO him, not against him. He loves when we vent TO him because it means that we have turned towards him and not left him.
ReplyDeleteThank you Lisa. So true
Deletesometimes you just gotta let it out. to whoever is willing to listen. sometimes it feels like there's no one who cares, like you've been left in the dust. but, remember that's not true. why do the rough patches have to outweigh the good times in our hearts?
ReplyDeleteLisa, I am friends with the Wortham's and was given your blog to read/follow. I have read several of your posts and I will admit my heart breaks for you, with you.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I went thru 5 years of fertility treatments several times we took a few months off. We had come to a conclusion that I needed a big break after 5 years of NO's every month it was just so hard. It was our last attempt with an IUI, several different medicines and injections. In January of 2010 I had my first positive pregnancy test. Our little boy came 8 weeks early weighing in at 2lbs 7oz. He is 4 years old and I still have those hurt feelings. We long for another baby but currently aren't in a situation to do the things we did before.
I don't know if the feelings you are describing truly ever go away. I had a really dark 5 years...I had an up and down relationship with being angry at God. I remember after 4 years and I was starting to be more open with people I was being preached to by a fellow Christian. **side note- I am a PK so I can get that preaching anytime from my dad ;)** I told them that I fully trust in God's plan and I did/do but there are times when I want to be mad and angry for a few minutes. I told them I thought God was big enough to handle my frustrations knowing that I just needed to get these feelings out. I won't sit here and preach to you about how God's plan is bigger than you know. How if you give it all to him your dream will come true. Life just sucks sometimes no matter how hard you pray or want something. I recently had somebody ask me about my fertility journey...when I told them they were grateful. 2 months latter this couple ended up pregnant. I asked her if she had done anything differently or for suggestions (we both suffer from PCOS) she said "I gave it all to God and he heard the cries of our hearts." It was kind of a sucker punch to the gut and begins to make you doubt yourself.
*Am I not a good enough Christian?
*Am I failing God?
*Am I being punished?
*Are my prayers and cries not heard?
All these thoughts go thru my mind from time to time.
I will pray for you and Chris and your other friends and their spouses. Life hurts and sometimes we as Christians don't know what to say or how to say it. You will someday be able to be a wonderful friend/listener to that person who goes through these same dark times. Your story will be a beautiful one and along the way as you relive it from time to time over the years you will realize one thing "God's plan gave me a beautiful story for me to share".
Many hugs,
Kimberly
Kimberly, Thank you so much for writing me. Your post means so much to me. I appreciate you being honest and letting me know it is ok to be angry at times. Thank you for sharing your journey with me as well.
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