4 Months without our Blakely Ranee

July 27 marked 4 months since Blakely was born sleeping. Sometimes it seems like a lifetime since that day and others seems like it was yesterday. I miss her with all my heart. I still have days where I am angry and sad at God. I have gone back and forth of being angry and not angry. I have tried to over those feelings up because it makes me feel guilty. I am realizing it is just part of the grieving process though and I can't hide those feelings. I have my good days, but I still have my bad days. According to my therapist that is normal so I am not going to beat myself up over that. Blakely was our little miracle IVF baby and that will never be lost on me. How I wish things were different, but I am so proud to be her momma! She gave me hope and will forever be my baby girl. My forever baby. The baby that was determined to show me that miracles do exist. I never in my wildest dreams  thought I would ever be pregnant. She proved to us that it can happen. I don't know what God will give us in the future. I don't know if she will be my only pregnancy and delivery, but I do know she was fought for. She was wanted! She is loved! She will never be forgotten! Blakely was stillborn, but still BORN! 

                                     



I partnered up with fertilityiq and we raised $450 to donate to the bereavement fund at Integris. We donated the cuddle cot and $1100 at the beginning of July. It is really sad for me to think of a family using the cuddle cot, but I know the extra time they will be given with their precious baby will be amazing.

I know it is easy to get caught up on our children growing up, but to put it in perspective. Think about not watching them grow up. I will never see Blakely grow up. I will never hear her first words, see her first smile, walking, running, playing sports,  first day of school, etc. That breaks my heart into a million pieces. I do cherish Braxton growing up. What a honor to be his mom and watching who he will be. I know his little sister Blakely is watching over him.

Appointment with Dr. K and headstone

Yesterday we  had an appointment with Dr.K. The placenta report came back fine so it was only the cord accident. It makes me glad nothing else was wrong, but sad for our Blakely. I hate that is happened because she should still be growing and getting bigger. He told us that he is obviously worried about our emotional well being as we went through a traumatic loss and we can never replace  Blakely. So I don't know what our future holds, but one thing for sure is she will be forever missed! We are starting grief counseling so hopefully it helps with some of the grieving process.

If you are wondering how I am doing. I am ok. I still cry every day. Especially when I am alone. I cry every time I go to the cemetery. When I am alone that is when I talk to Blakely the most and pray to God. I have to pray and cry out to God because what we are going through is one of the most awful things I have ever gone through. Losing a child is hard. All my dreams and plans I had for Blakely will not happen.

I still have a few weeks before I am released to workout, but I am walking a 5k with a friend this month. The Remember the 10 run in Stillwater.

Yesterday we designed Blakely's headstone. We should get a proof in about a week. I can't wait to see it. I know it will  be beautiful just like her. I am trying to find way to honor Blakely's name. Maybe raising money for stillborn research or cooling cots? I am still thinking on this.

Again, please let me know if you see butterflies. They remind us of Blakely. Please say her name. You can bring her up. We love her and miss her. Just because she is in heaven doesn't mean we can't talk about her. She will always be that missing piece in our hearts and have a special place in our lives.