Sweet summertime

Hi, all! I know I haven't updated much, but right now there just isn't much to update on. I wish there was. I started af yesterday. I used oils his past cycle so a small part of me was really hoping they would help me get pregnant. LOL. I can tell you that one of the oils does really help with my cramps though.I just rub a drop or two on my abdomen and then I have a decrease of cramps. We have a little over 3 months till our adoption seminar and it is a two day class. The older I get the more times flies. It seemed so far away, but now it is coming up close. Last week was my due date of the little bean I miscarried. I did pretty well. Of course, I don't sit here and dwell on it, but sometimes I think about it. It made me a little sad to think I could be holding my baby instead of still sifting through infertility land...but we pick up the pieces and we move on. We become stronger and wait for God's timing and the little blessing(s) he has for us. One day we will look back and wonder how we made it through this journey through "hell" at times. At times, I do wonder how we make it. We just do. We pray, love each other, and become stronger in our faith. We deal with situations, judgement from others, and heartache constantly. Here we are though...still going strong and better than ever. You know why? Because, when you want something bad enough you keep fighting for it! No matter the judgement, people who talk about you, or what you have to do to get it. I am well aware of family who have judged our choices and paths we have taken to try to build a family, but until you walk in our shoes then you really have no idea. :)

What's going on in the Mace family?

Hello all! Again...I really don't have much to blog and update about. We recently received our home study paper work that we can slowly start working on. We have to submit it all together and there are parts we have to wait till our class. It is a lot of stuff to fill out and honestly it makes me overwhelmed, but it will all be ok.

Chris and I decided to buy a boat! We have been wanting one for a little over a year, but we kept saying we might be pregnant..blah blah. So we finally just jumped on it! Yes, we know we could possibly get pregnant or get matched quickly, but the bigger picture here is that we are not letting infertility control us. We took the boat out Friday. It is a learning curve, but we had a lot of fun. I see lots of fun weekends ahead of this summer! 

That is about all going on in the Mace family. :) 

Brighter days and a brighter future

Hello! I thought I would do a blog update since I haven't updated in awhile. People keep asking me how I am doing. Well, I am doing better with each day that passes. Yes, I am sad. I should be 10 weeks tomorrow and that makes my heart so sad. The one thing I do know is that in the last two and half years I have experienced a lot of pain and loss (month after month of no pregnancy) and failed treatments. So, this miscarriage adds to that loss and sorrow. I just know that I have to pick myself up and continue to push forward...I have no other choice. I am meant to be a mom one way or another. I have also in the last 2 1/2 years opened my mind and heart to more options to becoming a mom. I never thought IVF would be an option, but here we are moving onto IVF #3. At this point in my life I feel like we will adopt one day. Right now I am willing to try IVF two more times...that could change. I am just not sure how much more of this emotional journey I can take. It is draining and frankly I am just plain tired of all the failure. I pray and hope that IVF #3 is successful for us and we have a healthy pregnancy and I have a lot of hope in it. Hopefully we will get pregnant and stay pregnant. Then we can decide if we want an only child, adopt, or try IVF again. I am not sure what we will decide right now. I do know that if we adopt it will not matter what my child looks like and children make my heart happy no matter what they look like.

My prayer request at this time are:
*That God prepares Chris and I emotionally and mentally for IVF #3 (not till 2014)
*That the next IVF is successful and I stay pregnant
*For God to keep moving our hearts towards adoption in the future.
*To continue to give each other strength through this process.

 

Sometimes your heart just hurts..

I called my acupuncturist to set up my new days and times to start again. I will start acupuncture again this Friday. I will go on Thursday starting next week. This will be good for me in many ways. It will help reduce stress and get my body back in sync. I know a lot of people laugh when I say I believe in acupuncture..I even think Chris isn't a big believer in it, but I do believe in it. I think it helped with my last IVF cycle with my estrogen levels and stress. I also really like my acupuncturist because he is caring and works with what the doctor does. He is also a believer in Christ and that is big in my book. :) I am very excited about starting again..just not paying the fee every week. LOL, but you do what you do for the blessing you are wanting!
Now, for the next part..I wanted to lead in with something more positive so I started with acupuncture. Infertile people will get this next piece and maybe some others will too. I am being honest and sadly I think it is not talked about enough. People don't tell you about how hard infertility is on a marriage! I am blessed with a husband who is by my side and we are on the same page, but we still have our days. Especially with the miscarriage. Men seem to just move on after they are told you are having a miscarriage...while me(the women) are going through all the pain and healing of a miscarriage. Chris and I had a talk on Sunday about how I felt and I am better now. I think I needed him to know how I was feeling and how I felt all alone in this process. Chris mentioned this to a close female friend he works with. She has had a miscarriage before as well. She said that men deal with these differently then men. After all that we are doing much better. Talking is the key to everything and I am so glad he talked to another woman so he knew I wasn't crazy. ;) 
5 more weeks till our doctor appointment! I am anxious to hear what our doctor has to say about this past cycle. I am also glad our doctor makes us wait/encourages us to wait before moving on. I think it is best for my body and give Chris and I a chance to clear our minds and heal. 
I am doing much better this week. I stopped bleeding and my numbers fully dropped. I am feeling so much better than I did in the past two weeks. It is a slow process, but I will get there. 

Moving on

I had my blood work done again this morning and I got the call from the nurse and my numbers dropped completely. Thank goodness. Currently I am just spotting and hopefully it will all end soon. We have about 5 1/2 weeks till we have our appointment with our doctor. Ready to figure out what is going on and move on with our next steps in 2014. We are still healing from the miscarriage and it will take time. Hopefully soon I can shake this not so great mood I have been in lately. Praying for strength and guidance as we wait for our next steps.

blood work

I had blood work today to check my numbers and make sure they are going down. Last Friday they were 76 and today they are 29.6, so I have to keep being monitored till they drop completely.  I have been bleeding for 6 days now and I guess I will continue till the numbers drop off. Yesterday was really rough and I had really bad cramps and heavy bleeding. I really just want this all to end. It was actually really hard to walk into the clinic today. I love the nurses and I am so grateful for them. If they weren't nice and caring it would make this whole process and 100 times worse. We made our appointment with Dr. R and it is December 10th. I am ready for that appointment. It feels so far away, but it will be here before I know it. 

Yesterday, I received a package from a infertility friend that I have connected with over the last year. Her sweet card and worry doll to me were so sweet. So blessed by the friendships and support God has brought into my life. I also received a card from a girl I just started following and interacting with on Instagram. It was so sweet and I cried reading her words of encouragement. It is so nice to have this support during a difficult time and I will be forever grateful. 

Today on the radio I was listening to some uplifting music and words on K-Love. They made a good point, that sometimes God allows tough situations so that we have no other choice, but to lean on him. I truly believe that. God is not causing my infertility, but through this tough journey I have grown closer in my relationship and lean on him more than ever before. I have no other choice because I can't fix this situation. I can only pray to God and ask for help and understanding through this crappy journey. This past week I have been so angry and upset that I have only been able to pray God why? God.. Then I just cry. I truly am thankful for all the people in my life praying because of you I have had peace surround me. I know God knows my heart and he knows I am sad. He knows what I am trying to pray. BUT, thank you for everyone who is praying for Chris and me because your prayers really are helping bring peace to this situation. Thank you!! Thank you! We love each one of you that follow our journey and pray for us. 

I am not as strong as you think I am...

I am still waiting for the miscarriage to happen.. that is the worst part just waiting. I am finding it very hard to move on when it hasn't happened yet. I stopped my meds on Friday so it should be happening soon. If you are wondering how I am doing...well, the best that I can. I am sad and angry, but you probably expect that. I am weak right now..weak because I have no strength to even give a fake smile right now. Sometimes I think I fool a lot of people around me because I have so many people that say I am strong. I am not strong and have cried so many times. Sometimes I just sit here and ask what in the heck just happened and why? Sometimes I am so angry that I start asking God why he is not helping us? Then I start reminding myself that God has plan to prosper you and not hurt you. Then I get angry at myself for questioning my God and being angry. 

I am sad because my friends and family are afraid to tell me about pregnancies. That makes me sad. It should be an exciting time, but instead they are worried they will hurt me. I have friends who tell me I don't have to come to their baby shower. I appreciate all my friends and family who are worried about me, but the thing I have realized is that if I run everyone off because of Chris and my craptastic situation we are in then I wouldn't have any friends or support.  

I am confused and sad, but day by day things will get better. In December we will have more answers and actions so we can move further. Until then we heal and move on with our journey. A journey I never thought I would be on...A journey I hope to never watch someone else go through. 

Comfort my heart God

I am not sure what my deal is latley...maybe it is the long wait between IVF. I start my injections on the 18th. I am still so nervous. I pray for peace and comfort everyday. I pray that whatever God has in his plans for Chris and I that we are ok with it and that our hearts are at peace. We were going to go to an adoption informational meeting yesterday, but Chris had a work deal. So we can just make an appointment with them by ourselves. The problem I am running into with this whole adoption thing is, that moment when I turn and face that adoption demon in the face is the day I believe I am saying good bye to the possibility of ever experiencing pregnancy...I didn't say mom for a reason. I will be a mom one day and that child will be mine either way. I guess I want to give this next IVF cycle another chance before I feel like I am giving up on the last of the hope I have left. We said we would do three cycles, but emotionally I don't know if we can. Unless you have been down this path you have no idea what we are experiencing. So here I am praying that we will see a miracle in September, but I also know that it could not happen. That is a daily struggle for me. Chris is so supportive and is on the wagon for adoption...and don't get me wrong I totally am too. I want to adopt, but I also would like to be able to wait awhile before we do because it is expensive. Currently we have wonderful insurance coverage for our infertility. I believe God has wonderful amazing plans for us! I truly can't wait to see God's plan in our life. I wish it wasn't this difficult..but I guess nothing is easy, right?
Lately, I have been feeling lonely. It is really hard to talk to some people about what we are going through because they do not understand. I feel like it is more a pain to talk about because I don't want to annoy people, but we really need all the support and prayers right now we can get. I know that sometimes I fall short of praising my God. I am thankful for what God has done with Chris and my life. My relationship grows deeper with God everyday and I am trying to be a better Christian daily. I will fall short sometimes, but I hope and pray that others can see the amazing things God is doing in our lives.

Facing your Giants

Today at church we had a guest speaker. His name was Abraham Wright-he is a former Colorado football player. He is spoke today about us facing our giants and how God fights some battles for us, but others we have to fight with God on our side. This message spoke to my heart in a big way today...and I think that Chris and I both needed to hear this message more than ever today. We are facing a giant in our lives currently and that giant is Infertility. It is easy for us to lose hope and feel down and feel like we will never be parents. We have gone through a lot in the last two years of infertility. In the last two years we have gone through month after month of no pregnancy. I have been through multiple test and some of which were very uncomfortable. I had a surgery that revealed that I have stage 4 endometriosis. I have been on fertility medicines and lots of injections. We have gone through one failed IVF. We have experienced a lot of pregnancy announcements and a lot of friends who have babies now. That is why sometimes we are discouraged. BUT, God is on our side. We are fighting a battle in our lives that sucks really bad, but our God has never left our side. God is telling us to look at Him through this difficult time and to not give up on his promise to us. I know that God wants us to be parents and we will be parents one day. I know that God has a plan and a promise to us..and I know that I will still be sad and angry some days. That is natural. But, I need to remember always that God is on our side! He will get us through this journey we are going through. So, if you are going through infertility remember it is not over yet! Don't give up! If you are facing other giants in your life remember God also has a plan for you and He is on your side as you go through whatever you are going through. Listen, I am not perfect and a fail my God daily, but one thing I know is that I have a forgiving God and a God who will always be my side. He will never leave Chris and I and that is an Awesome feeling. I really needed this today since I have been down a lot...maybe because we are at a standstill in our fertility treatments...but soon we will be moving onto IVF #2! I am so excited to start IVF again and see the outcome of Gods promises.

Here is a picture of our early morning service with Abraham Wright.

A little this and little that

Hello all! Well, we got back from vacation on Thursday. The day we left for vacation I started my period. Seriously. Ugh! I was 5 days late..and I knew the hag would show her face. Now I have to wait for my next period and then I will be put on birth control on day 3 of my period. Then I will start injections for my next cycle of IVF. (Cycle #2) I will be on a bigger dose this time. Crossing our fingers and praying hard! Since I have another month I am going to start running again until I have to stop again. I've gained a crap load of weight during all this infertility treatments and stress. I am really unhappy with my body. BUT, I will take the fat with the infertility treatments if one day I get to hold a sweet baby.

Anywho! I just wanted to share a few pictures from our vacation since I really don't have any treatment updates at this time.

 

Me at the battleship

My handsome husband at the battleship

 

Getting ready to head out on the town of Panama City,Fl

Hubby at the ocean

Mace Family- Paula, Briana, Me, Chris, and Grandma Mace

Doctor appointment

Today Chris and I had our appointment-Post IVF fail appt.

This is what he told us: My estrogen levels are lower than he would like them for my age. So the next IVF cycle we will increase meds. We will be able to start our next cycle mid July. He also said he highly recommends us to do another cycle...which of course we are. He said our success is the same which is 60 percent for this next cycle. Hopefully this will get us our BFP!

Stronger

Tomorrow will be one week since I found out that our first IVF cycle failed. It was one of the worst days I have experienced. Please don't tell me there are worst things in life because at that moment that was the worst thing that could happen to me. I am doing much better. Every day I am a little bit stronger. I still get a little teary eyed occasionally, but overall I am much better! I believe God is giving me strength to move on. My sweet in-laws sent me a gift so I can start acupuncture. I have read lots of good things about acupuncture so I am going to give it a try! I am also taking so things out of my diet. I mean business with this baby making. :) Seriously though..I have to try all I can! We only have 2 days left of school! Crazy! I will miss my second graders like crazy, but I am so ready for school to be out. I need to be able to focus on what we are going through.