Loved baby

I have been reading a devotional called Loved Baby. I wanted to share a part with you. "He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth." (1 Peter 2:22)  Jesus never sinned, yet he suffered. We all suffer in this world. Good and bad happens to us all. The bible is clear the loss of our little one is not because of any sin we have conducted, nor would it have been prevented had we been perfect. (Loved Baby devotional-searching Why)

The bible provides us instances after instance of people lamenting their concerns to God. There is none more profound than Jesus hanging on the cross: "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" Which means My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Matthew 27:46 (Loved baby devotional-Searching Why)

Jesus felt abandoned and you probably feel abandoned. This reading in the devotional was God saying this is not your fault. Stop blaming yourself. Evil exists in our world. Each one of us go through bad and good. We will all deal with unfair deaths of loved ones, hurt, pain, etc. As much as we want to question God we will never get that answer in this  lifetime on earth. Questioning and asking God doesn't mean you are a bad Christian. It means you are grieving. Take heart and cry out to our God. He is listening and he is covering you with a hug. God wants us to cry out and talk to him. Even when we are angry he is listening. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

I wish I could say that every pain, heartache, anger, jealousy, etc is gone from my heart, but it isn't. I am still working through my grieving process of my daughter Blakely Ranee. I know she is in heaven with Jesus and one day I will see her again. That gives me a peace. God is still helping me as I mourn my daughter. It really doesn't get easier. It gets different. I am forever changed because of Blakely. I was able to carry her and give birth. I met and held my beautiful daughter. I wish things were different, but I am honored to be her momma. She is a gift from God and I will be forever thankful for the time I had with her. I wish she was still growing and that I would bring her home, but I can't. I can't rewind time as much as I want to. I have to hold onto hope and God. I have to lean on God during the most difficult time of my life to get me through this. I couldn't get through this without God by my side. I hope the part of the devotional I shared gives you some peace. Check out the devotional because it really is a great one that I highly recommend.

What happens after a stillbirth

First, this post may be a little TMI, but people around us experiencing a stillbirth need you to know. Your body does not know your baby died. We experience all the after effects of birth like anyone else. That includes bleeding and milk coming in. Let me tell you that was painful and made everything so emotional! The day before Blakely's service my boobs were so engorged and red. It hurt when Braxton bumped into me and when people hugged me. Our hormones are out of whack just like someone who has a baby born alive. Except we are also dealing with a very traumatic loss of our baby as well. The reason I share this is because people forget. People seem to forget that just because our babies have passed away that we still deal with the after effects of birth. Pain, bleeding, milk coming, recovering from either vaginal birth or C-section. One more reminder for anyone reading my blog who has experienced a stillbirth or infant loss. Do not let anyone tell you that you need to stop grieving and move on. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't talk about your baby or grieve openly. This is one of the most difficult things you may ever go through. You grieve the way you want! It will take a lifetime....we don't just recover from this.

Appointment with Dr. K and headstone

Yesterday we  had an appointment with Dr.K. The placenta report came back fine so it was only the cord accident. It makes me glad nothing else was wrong, but sad for our Blakely. I hate that is happened because she should still be growing and getting bigger. He told us that he is obviously worried about our emotional well being as we went through a traumatic loss and we can never replace  Blakely. So I don't know what our future holds, but one thing for sure is she will be forever missed! We are starting grief counseling so hopefully it helps with some of the grieving process.

If you are wondering how I am doing. I am ok. I still cry every day. Especially when I am alone. I cry every time I go to the cemetery. When I am alone that is when I talk to Blakely the most and pray to God. I have to pray and cry out to God because what we are going through is one of the most awful things I have ever gone through. Losing a child is hard. All my dreams and plans I had for Blakely will not happen.

I still have a few weeks before I am released to workout, but I am walking a 5k with a friend this month. The Remember the 10 run in Stillwater.

Yesterday we designed Blakely's headstone. We should get a proof in about a week. I can't wait to see it. I know it will  be beautiful just like her. I am trying to find way to honor Blakely's name. Maybe raising money for stillborn research or cooling cots? I am still thinking on this.

Again, please let me know if you see butterflies. They remind us of Blakely. Please say her name. You can bring her up. We love her and miss her. Just because she is in heaven doesn't mean we can't talk about her. She will always be that missing piece in our hearts and have a special place in our lives.

Treatments to adoption-what does it look like?

Here lately, I have been blogging less. I have at times felt like I do not have a lot to share or no one will relate. It is the awkward time where I stand between the fertility treatment and adoption world. It is weird and different. So, I thought I am going to share how this time is feeling for me. 
First, the sadness of not experiencing pregnancy is still very real and sad. I am not sure if this sadness will ever go away till I am in my grave. I have met so many wonderful ladies in the infertility world that I love dearly. Recently it has been hard to relate to a lot of them because I feel so alone in this part of my journey. Most of the girls I was the closest to have either had babies or currently pregnant. I am so happy for them, but such a lonely feeling for me. Every day I am more and more ok with the thought that I may never have a genetic baby. I know that God has a perfect little baby out there for us. I can't wait till that day! 
Now, we are on the adoption side which I can say is not an easy process either! You feel so judged by their questions because they dig for any negative they can get to...at least that is how it feels. I can honestly say though after beginning the journey to adoption this is the happiest I have been in a very long time. I finally feel like we have a light at the end of the tunnel. Our infertility and treatments were some very difficult times that most will never fully understand. The sadness, depression, feel helpless, and no control over anything really sucked! With adoption it is hard, but I feel like we are moving forward at least. Now we just wait...and wait..and wait some more till the perfect gift is given to our family. 
I have heard so many times just adopt after failed treatments. First, please don't say that to someone struggling to conceive. Can you imagine the feeling this couple has at not being able to have a baby? It is awful. Also, adoption is not easy and it is expensive. Adoption is a wonderful thing, but it is not for everyone. Adoption is for us though and we are so happy to be on this journey to our sweet baby. We have been preparing our nursery and having fun doing it. 
I thought the comments I got during my fertility treatments were bad...well I have heard some pretty pathetic comments towards adoption too. Here are a few.. Oh, when you adopt you will get pregnant! Wow, really? It isn't that easy people! I have been told that I am "lucky" that I don't have to experience pregnancy and delivery. I don't know how anyone would think I was lucky..I think that makes me pretty unlucky actually. Could you imagine not having the children you have or never having a baby? No matter how awful your pregnancy or delivery was. Aren't you scared the birth-mom will steal your baby? No, I am not. Open adoptions are great for all involved. Those mama's need our love and prayers so much. I pray for a love so fierce for my child's birth mom because that means so much to Chris and I. After attending our seminar I learned so much and took in so much. I cried and cried. You know, these women are giving the life of their baby to us and trusting us to parent. These women deserve to be loved and prayed for. They deserve to see pictures of their babies. They deserve to be respected. They do not deserve to be put down and told they made that choice. They made a decision that they felt/feel is best for their child. That takes a strong woman! 

Sweet summertime

Hi, all! I know I haven't updated much, but right now there just isn't much to update on. I wish there was. I started af yesterday. I used oils his past cycle so a small part of me was really hoping they would help me get pregnant. LOL. I can tell you that one of the oils does really help with my cramps though.I just rub a drop or two on my abdomen and then I have a decrease of cramps. We have a little over 3 months till our adoption seminar and it is a two day class. The older I get the more times flies. It seemed so far away, but now it is coming up close. Last week was my due date of the little bean I miscarried. I did pretty well. Of course, I don't sit here and dwell on it, but sometimes I think about it. It made me a little sad to think I could be holding my baby instead of still sifting through infertility land...but we pick up the pieces and we move on. We become stronger and wait for God's timing and the little blessing(s) he has for us. One day we will look back and wonder how we made it through this journey through "hell" at times. At times, I do wonder how we make it. We just do. We pray, love each other, and become stronger in our faith. We deal with situations, judgement from others, and heartache constantly. Here we are though...still going strong and better than ever. You know why? Because, when you want something bad enough you keep fighting for it! No matter the judgement, people who talk about you, or what you have to do to get it. I am well aware of family who have judged our choices and paths we have taken to try to build a family, but until you walk in our shoes then you really have no idea. :)

We are 1 in 8

We are 1 in 8. http://www.resolve.org/about/fast-facts-about-fertility.html

Trigger shot and Retrieval date

The past four days I have had an appointment with my doctor since I was so close with my follicle sizes. That means a vaginal u/s and blood work every day. In 8 days and I had 6 appts out of 8 days! That is crazy! Haha. I am so glad my doctor takes that time to monitor me closely though! Yesterday I had an appt before I went to work so I went at 7:45. My doctor had a student that day and she can in the room during my u/s. He told her I was probably the sweetest person he met. Aww! How sweet! Then he just told her that it has been hard getting me pregnant and then told her I have endo. I also was able to see a couple of my favorite nurses...shh don't tell anyone I have favorites! :)
This cycle my E2 numbers have been great, my lining is great, and overall a smoother process. I will know on Thursday how many eggs I have. 
My trigger shot is tonight! Then I have retrieval on Thursday! I just can't believe we are already at this point. Crazy! 
I will update after my retrieval! 

"Lets get this beautiful woman pregnant!" :)

Hello there! I bet you are wondering what my title means...huh? :) I had my suppression check number 1 today. Dr. R came in and shook my hand and said it was great seeing me again. Then he turned to the nurse and said "Lets get this beautiful woman pregnant." It made me feel special. Hahaha. Anyway, the ultra sound seemed great and then I went over to have my blood work done. My estrogen levels came back good and I get to start my Lupron on March 10th! I am excited. It seems like my endo diet is helping! :) When I went over to Bennet to get my bloodwork done the nurse looked at me and said, "Are you getting skinny?" Haha. I said yes, I have lost 24 lbs. Then I told her she was the only one noticed because they didn't take my weight at Dr. R office. I was glad she could tell I have been working hard. 
I went to acupuncture afterwards. It was nice and relaxing. 
All seems to be going well so far. 
My prayers for this cycle are:
*To have a smooth cycle
*Good quality of eggs
*at least 1 embryo that makes it to freeze (neither 1st or 2nd cycle had any make it to freeze)
*To have a baby or babies
 

While I am waiting..

A friend/blog reader sent me this song. I thought I would share because I think it is perfect for the infertility journey. Enjoy. Sorry for the short blog post, but I wanted to share this. I hope all of you can find comfort in Jesus.

Beta Hell/ Early Miscarriage

So, let me start first by saying that our IVF cycle number 2 was not a complete fail. We actually got a positive. Our first positive ever! My beta was low on the first check at check a 29. Anything over 2.9 they count as pregnant. They like numbers over 50. So it wasn't perfect by any means. That was on October 8th. Then on October 10th I had another check. My numbers went up to 85! We were so excited and started to actually think this worked. 5 days later we had another check and the numbers didn't fully double. It was only 250. There was still a small chance of hope. 
Then I had an appointment today Oct. 18 and my leveled dropped to 76. So now I have to stop my progesterone and wait for the bleed. 
The reason I call it beta hell is because my numbers were never strong and it put us on edge the whole time.

We are so heartbroken. I don't understand why we have gone through infertility and now our first positive ever ends in an early miscarriage. (5w3d) Now, we will meet with our doctor and discuss further treatments and where to go from here. The good thing is it worked this time...sadly it just ended in a miscarriage. Now we are moving onto IVF #3...wow #3. That is not how I thought my IVF cycles would be. I keep watching pregnancy announcement and birth announcements pop on my facebook...pretty much everyday. I am happy for them because no one deserves to go through this, but I want to experience that too. Now, I sit here wondering if I will be empty handed forever. Will I ever have a baby of my own? This has by far been the hardest part of our journey. I have fell to my knees many times in the past few days crying out Why God? Why? Why me? Why us? Some of you probably wonder why we don't give up....well because we are not ready to give up yet. At the age of 27, I have been going though infertility for nearly 2 1/2 years, I have had 2 IVF cycles, and one ended in a miscarriage. What luck? huh? I just want to be normal, but for some reason I have the infertility written all over me. Will I ever overcome infertility? Will I be an infertility survivor one day? Now, I have a sister that is about to have a baby and two baby showers to attend in the next two weeks. I am not so sure I can handle all that right now...but I will try. 
Now, we will start our healing process. My first IVF cycle which failed was a tough one to heal from..I am not sure how long this miscarriage will take to heal from. 
I really hope the people in my life that I am close to understand and recognize my strength and know how hard I try in every situation. I try very hard to always be there for my family and friends who are having babies. 
Most will never fully understand the pain in Chris and my journey..but if you at least try to understand the brokenness we are going through then that is all I can ask.

Hold on for the ride of infertility

Only 2 more weeks till I start injections again. Chris and I finished our antibiotics and I am still taking birth control- The birth control is to suppress my ovaries if you are wondering. :) I have 10 antibiotic pills left that I will take when I do my trigger shot in September. It seems so far away.. Last time it was a lot faster since I had been on the Lupron Depot shot and my ovaries were already suppressed. I have a suppression check and blood work on September 4th. From the appointment on it will start getting more busy with appointments and injections.

I  wanted to write about some feelings that go on during IVF because for some people they just don't understand and for others who do then they know these are normal feelings.
IVF is a very emotional process and we are sometimes slightly emotional from the medicines we are injecting ourselves (or husbands are injecting us) with. So please give us a break when we are down, sad, and being cry babies. I know to try to stay positive through this positive, but sometimes it is very hard to do that...especially for me after a failed IVF already. We go through a lot of appointments, blood work, needles, vaginal ultra sounds, drinking water and holding your pee forever for the egg retrieval, IV's, bed rest, and etc through this process. At times it can be very overwhelming and sometimes a hug would be really nice or a sweet note. It really makes a difference...trust me. I have been pretty lucky with the support I have around me. I have friends and family who brought me meals after my surgery and after my transfer. It helps out so much!

I am in this weird area of my infertility journey.... I am more nervous and scared this go around. I am really trying hard not to be. I have been praying for peace and comfort because I don't want to feel this unpleasant feeling on my heart. For me, I really think it is just the fear I will never experience pregnancy. People who are going through Infertility feel this way at times and some really never get to experience that in life. That is so sad especially when we watch people who can't care for their children pop out children like it is going out of style.

Please continue to pray with Chris and I for our little blessing(s) in our future. I have prayed for my future child and I can't wait to meet my child one day.

Facing your Giants

Today at church we had a guest speaker. His name was Abraham Wright-he is a former Colorado football player. He is spoke today about us facing our giants and how God fights some battles for us, but others we have to fight with God on our side. This message spoke to my heart in a big way today...and I think that Chris and I both needed to hear this message more than ever today. We are facing a giant in our lives currently and that giant is Infertility. It is easy for us to lose hope and feel down and feel like we will never be parents. We have gone through a lot in the last two years of infertility. In the last two years we have gone through month after month of no pregnancy. I have been through multiple test and some of which were very uncomfortable. I had a surgery that revealed that I have stage 4 endometriosis. I have been on fertility medicines and lots of injections. We have gone through one failed IVF. We have experienced a lot of pregnancy announcements and a lot of friends who have babies now. That is why sometimes we are discouraged. BUT, God is on our side. We are fighting a battle in our lives that sucks really bad, but our God has never left our side. God is telling us to look at Him through this difficult time and to not give up on his promise to us. I know that God wants us to be parents and we will be parents one day. I know that God has a plan and a promise to us..and I know that I will still be sad and angry some days. That is natural. But, I need to remember always that God is on our side! He will get us through this journey we are going through. So, if you are going through infertility remember it is not over yet! Don't give up! If you are facing other giants in your life remember God also has a plan for you and He is on your side as you go through whatever you are going through. Listen, I am not perfect and a fail my God daily, but one thing I know is that I have a forgiving God and a God who will always be my side. He will never leave Chris and I and that is an Awesome feeling. I really needed this today since I have been down a lot...maybe because we are at a standstill in our fertility treatments...but soon we will be moving onto IVF #2! I am so excited to start IVF again and see the outcome of Gods promises.

Here is a picture of our early morning service with Abraham Wright.

Infertility video

I found this video and wanted to share. I thought this video about sums it all up.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=KvCacOQ3C64

Things to never say to an infertile friend

Here are my top 6 that I am putting on my list.

1. Don't complain about your pregnancy.

2.Don't gossip about them. The reason why many are reluctant to talk about their journey is because a) they don’t want to hear the above, and b) they’re afraid others will judge them and talk behind their backs. And the same goes for comforting someone with the story of someone else’s fertility woes—having an open discussion is one thing; swapping horror stories is another

3.Just relax

4.There are worse things that could happen.

5. You can always adopt.

6. Don't worry, it will happen.

Credit: http://fitbottomedmamas.com/2012/04/what-not-to-say-to-your-friend-struggling-with-fertility/

Emotions

So, lately I have been down. I have been really emotional about all that is going on with Chris and I. Sometimes I feel guilty if I let people know how I feel. I feel really bad when I have to talk to a friend about infertility who is pregnant or just had a baby because I feel like I am making them feel not happy about their situation. Which is not at all what it is, but feels that way. Then, my husband sent me a blog to read and it had a bible verse in it that really spoke to my heart. The verse is: "We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope  does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom has given us." Romans 5:3-5

Infertility is an emotional journey, but I am trying to stay positive and look to God for strength. It is not easy, but I know that God has a wonderful plan for Chris and I. I can't wait to see what our future holds.

On a different note, we took Bandit to the dog trainer today! It was an interesting experience, but overall she did well. We learned/will continue working on this week; sit, watch me, and how to ignore her when she is jumping. She was really shy and not wanting treats while we were there. That is so unlike Bandit. She did act a little crazy around other dogs, but towards the end starting getting better. I think this training will be good for her and us! :)

The start of our journey

So here it is! This is what we have gone through up to this time. I will update as we go further in our journey through infertility. First I will go through our timeline of events we have gone through so far.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for about 2 years. After almost a year of trying I went to see my doctor in July 2012. She referred me to a specialist who we have been seeing since August 2012. August 2012 we had our first consultation appointment. We sat down and discussed our options. August 2012,Chris had his semen analysis. It came out good. Thank goodness.  September 6, 2012 I had a HSG test done. This test was to see if I had blocked tubes. This test was uncomfortable and I was very emotional when I went in for the test. My doctor was very sensitive to my emotions and walked me though the whole test. On October 8, 2012 I went in for an ultrasound and Post-Coital test. The Ultrasound found a Cyst. 11-2-12 I went back to my doctor for another ultrasound and the cyst was still there and I also have some scar tissue. My doctor prescribed me fertility medicine which I used 3 months before looking at surgery. On 11-3-12 I started my first dose of fertility medicine. I had a laproscopic surgery on 2-1-13. During that surgery my doctor found I had Endometriosis stage 4. One 2-6-13 we went for our post-op appointment. My doctor has us starting lupron injections for three months. Then we will begin IVF soon. We go to a class for IVF in March.

This journey has been a very painful one. I never expected to be where I am today. It is really hard to see and watch everyone around you having children. It's a very empty feeling and some people are very insensitive to your feelings. I have had several people say things to me that have hurt really bad. They have no idea the emotions that this journey causes on yourself, you partner, and your marriage. Many tears have been shed through this experience. God has made me stronger and without a relationship with my God I wouldn't make it. My relationship is stronger now with God and my husband because of this journey.