July 27 marked 4 months since Blakely was born sleeping. Sometimes it seems like a lifetime since that day and others seems like it was yesterday. I miss her with all my heart. I still have days where I am angry and sad at God. I have gone back and forth of being angry and not angry. I have tried to over those feelings up because it makes me feel guilty. I am realizing it is just part of the grieving process though and I can't hide those feelings. I have my good days, but I still have my bad days. According to my therapist that is normal so I am not going to beat myself up over that. Blakely was our little miracle IVF baby and that will never be lost on me. How I wish things were different, but I am so proud to be her momma! She gave me hope and will forever be my baby girl. My forever baby. The baby that was determined to show me that miracles do exist. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would ever be pregnant. She proved to us that it can happen. I don't know what God will give us in the future. I don't know if she will be my only pregnancy and delivery, but I do know she was fought for. She was wanted! She is loved! She will never be forgotten! Blakely was stillborn, but still BORN!
I partnered up with fertilityiq and we raised $450 to donate to the bereavement fund at Integris. We donated the cuddle cot and $1100 at the beginning of July. It is really sad for me to think of a family using the cuddle cot, but I know the extra time they will be given with their precious baby will be amazing.
I know it is easy to get caught up on our children growing up, but to put it in perspective. Think about not watching them grow up. I will never see Blakely grow up. I will never hear her first words, see her first smile, walking, running, playing sports, first day of school, etc. That breaks my heart into a million pieces. I do cherish Braxton growing up. What a honor to be his mom and watching who he will be. I know his little sister Blakely is watching over him.
