So, let me start first by saying that our IVF cycle number 2 was not a complete fail. We actually got a positive. Our first positive ever! My beta was low on the first check at check a 29. Anything over 2.9 they count as pregnant. They like numbers over 50. So it wasn't perfect by any means. That was on October 8th. Then on October 10th I had another check. My numbers went up to 85! We were so excited and started to actually think this worked. 5 days later we had another check and the numbers didn't fully double. It was only 250. There was still a small chance of hope.
Then I had an appointment today Oct. 18 and my leveled dropped to 76. So now I have to stop my progesterone and wait for the bleed.
The reason I call it beta hell is because my numbers were never strong and it put us on edge the whole time.
We are so heartbroken. I don't understand why we have gone through infertility and now our first positive ever ends in an early miscarriage. (5w3d) Now, we will meet with our doctor and discuss further treatments and where to go from here. The good thing is it worked this time...sadly it just ended in a miscarriage. Now we are moving onto IVF #3...wow #3. That is not how I thought my IVF cycles would be. I keep watching pregnancy announcement and birth announcements pop on my facebook...pretty much everyday. I am happy for them because no one deserves to go through this, but I want to experience that too. Now, I sit here wondering if I will be empty handed forever. Will I ever have a baby of my own? This has by far been the hardest part of our journey. I have fell to my knees many times in the past few days crying out Why God? Why? Why me? Why us? Some of you probably wonder why we don't give up....well because we are not ready to give up yet. At the age of 27, I have been going though infertility for nearly 2 1/2 years, I have had 2 IVF cycles, and one ended in a miscarriage. What luck? huh? I just want to be normal, but for some reason I have the infertility written all over me. Will I ever overcome infertility? Will I be an infertility survivor one day? Now, I have a sister that is about to have a baby and two baby showers to attend in the next two weeks. I am not so sure I can handle all that right now...but I will try.
Now, we will start our healing process. My first IVF cycle which failed was a tough one to heal from..I am not sure how long this miscarriage will take to heal from.
I really hope the people in my life that I am close to understand and recognize my strength and know how hard I try in every situation. I try very hard to always be there for my family and friends who are having babies.
Most will never fully understand the pain in Chris and my journey..but if you at least try to understand the brokenness we are going through then that is all I can ask.
I know exactly how you are feeling. Time will heal and will give you the time to gather your strength up again. My husband and I were devastated after our miscarriage round 2. I didn't even know how to pick up the pieces. It will take time, tears, hugs, days where you are just frustrated- but in the end, you will find that you moved forward. I am sending you well wishes, and hugs. Play it be ear, and see if you're up to attending a baby shower or two. I teared up a bit at one, but I was happy I went in the end. It's not easy, but you're a strong woman for taking the road less traveled to begin with.
ReplyDeleteJoanna, Thank you for your kind words and encouraging words.
DeleteLisa, you and Chris will pull through this. Miscarriagefailed IVF's never get easier. But with a positive attitude and hope for your future, anything is possible.
ReplyDeleteLisa, you and Chris will overcome this heartache. Miscarriages and failed IVF's never get easier, but with a positive attitude and a hope for your future, anything is possible!
ReplyDeleteJessica, Thank you. I know we will..I know we will because I see your strength with all you have been through. Thank you for the support and kind words.
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