blood work

I had blood work today to check my numbers and make sure they are going down. Last Friday they were 76 and today they are 29.6, so I have to keep being monitored till they drop completely.  I have been bleeding for 6 days now and I guess I will continue till the numbers drop off. Yesterday was really rough and I had really bad cramps and heavy bleeding. I really just want this all to end. It was actually really hard to walk into the clinic today. I love the nurses and I am so grateful for them. If they weren't nice and caring it would make this whole process and 100 times worse. We made our appointment with Dr. R and it is December 10th. I am ready for that appointment. It feels so far away, but it will be here before I know it. 

Yesterday, I received a package from a infertility friend that I have connected with over the last year. Her sweet card and worry doll to me were so sweet. So blessed by the friendships and support God has brought into my life. I also received a card from a girl I just started following and interacting with on Instagram. It was so sweet and I cried reading her words of encouragement. It is so nice to have this support during a difficult time and I will be forever grateful. 

Today on the radio I was listening to some uplifting music and words on K-Love. They made a good point, that sometimes God allows tough situations so that we have no other choice, but to lean on him. I truly believe that. God is not causing my infertility, but through this tough journey I have grown closer in my relationship and lean on him more than ever before. I have no other choice because I can't fix this situation. I can only pray to God and ask for help and understanding through this crappy journey. This past week I have been so angry and upset that I have only been able to pray God why? God.. Then I just cry. I truly am thankful for all the people in my life praying because of you I have had peace surround me. I know God knows my heart and he knows I am sad. He knows what I am trying to pray. BUT, thank you for everyone who is praying for Chris and me because your prayers really are helping bring peace to this situation. Thank you!! Thank you! We love each one of you that follow our journey and pray for us. 

Pray for this couple

 Sending prayers to this couple. You can read her blog post to see what is going on! They need lots of prayers right. I can't imagine this...

http://www.themakingofbabyben.com/

I am not as strong as you think I am...

I am still waiting for the miscarriage to happen.. that is the worst part just waiting. I am finding it very hard to move on when it hasn't happened yet. I stopped my meds on Friday so it should be happening soon. If you are wondering how I am doing...well, the best that I can. I am sad and angry, but you probably expect that. I am weak right now..weak because I have no strength to even give a fake smile right now. Sometimes I think I fool a lot of people around me because I have so many people that say I am strong. I am not strong and have cried so many times. Sometimes I just sit here and ask what in the heck just happened and why? Sometimes I am so angry that I start asking God why he is not helping us? Then I start reminding myself that God has plan to prosper you and not hurt you. Then I get angry at myself for questioning my God and being angry. 

I am sad because my friends and family are afraid to tell me about pregnancies. That makes me sad. It should be an exciting time, but instead they are worried they will hurt me. I have friends who tell me I don't have to come to their baby shower. I appreciate all my friends and family who are worried about me, but the thing I have realized is that if I run everyone off because of Chris and my craptastic situation we are in then I wouldn't have any friends or support.  

I am confused and sad, but day by day things will get better. In December we will have more answers and actions so we can move further. Until then we heal and move on with our journey. A journey I never thought I would be on...A journey I hope to never watch someone else go through. 

Beta Hell/ Early Miscarriage

So, let me start first by saying that our IVF cycle number 2 was not a complete fail. We actually got a positive. Our first positive ever! My beta was low on the first check at check a 29. Anything over 2.9 they count as pregnant. They like numbers over 50. So it wasn't perfect by any means. That was on October 8th. Then on October 10th I had another check. My numbers went up to 85! We were so excited and started to actually think this worked. 5 days later we had another check and the numbers didn't fully double. It was only 250. There was still a small chance of hope. 
Then I had an appointment today Oct. 18 and my leveled dropped to 76. So now I have to stop my progesterone and wait for the bleed. 
The reason I call it beta hell is because my numbers were never strong and it put us on edge the whole time.

We are so heartbroken. I don't understand why we have gone through infertility and now our first positive ever ends in an early miscarriage. (5w3d) Now, we will meet with our doctor and discuss further treatments and where to go from here. The good thing is it worked this time...sadly it just ended in a miscarriage. Now we are moving onto IVF #3...wow #3. That is not how I thought my IVF cycles would be. I keep watching pregnancy announcement and birth announcements pop on my facebook...pretty much everyday. I am happy for them because no one deserves to go through this, but I want to experience that too. Now, I sit here wondering if I will be empty handed forever. Will I ever have a baby of my own? This has by far been the hardest part of our journey. I have fell to my knees many times in the past few days crying out Why God? Why? Why me? Why us? Some of you probably wonder why we don't give up....well because we are not ready to give up yet. At the age of 27, I have been going though infertility for nearly 2 1/2 years, I have had 2 IVF cycles, and one ended in a miscarriage. What luck? huh? I just want to be normal, but for some reason I have the infertility written all over me. Will I ever overcome infertility? Will I be an infertility survivor one day? Now, I have a sister that is about to have a baby and two baby showers to attend in the next two weeks. I am not so sure I can handle all that right now...but I will try. 
Now, we will start our healing process. My first IVF cycle which failed was a tough one to heal from..I am not sure how long this miscarriage will take to heal from. 
I really hope the people in my life that I am close to understand and recognize my strength and know how hard I try in every situation. I try very hard to always be there for my family and friends who are having babies. 
Most will never fully understand the pain in Chris and my journey..but if you at least try to understand the brokenness we are going through then that is all I can ask.

sharing a blog

I read a lot of infertility blogs. I came across this one and I wanted to share the link in case anyone that follows my blog has to use donor eggs. This woman is amazing. If interested read her blog. I can't imagine being in her shoes and using donor eggs. This journey is a roller coaster already. She has a beautiful little girl and I thought I would share her blog. Read it!

http://babydrought.blogspot.com/

Progesterone check

I had a progesterone check today. The nurse called me said my progesterone level was 21.5 so I am continuing my progesterone injections and adding progesterone suppositories. Oh boy! Gross. I hope this isn't a bad sign. I am remaining positive through this. I wrote some inspirational quotes and bible verses on my bathroom mirror to help me out every day! Please continue to pray with us for our IVF cycle.