4 Months without our Blakely Ranee

July 27 marked 4 months since Blakely was born sleeping. Sometimes it seems like a lifetime since that day and others seems like it was yesterday. I miss her with all my heart. I still have days where I am angry and sad at God. I have gone back and forth of being angry and not angry. I have tried to over those feelings up because it makes me feel guilty. I am realizing it is just part of the grieving process though and I can't hide those feelings. I have my good days, but I still have my bad days. According to my therapist that is normal so I am not going to beat myself up over that. Blakely was our little miracle IVF baby and that will never be lost on me. How I wish things were different, but I am so proud to be her momma! She gave me hope and will forever be my baby girl. My forever baby. The baby that was determined to show me that miracles do exist. I never in my wildest dreams  thought I would ever be pregnant. She proved to us that it can happen. I don't know what God will give us in the future. I don't know if she will be my only pregnancy and delivery, but I do know she was fought for. She was wanted! She is loved! She will never be forgotten! Blakely was stillborn, but still BORN! 

                                     



I partnered up with fertilityiq and we raised $450 to donate to the bereavement fund at Integris. We donated the cuddle cot and $1100 at the beginning of July. It is really sad for me to think of a family using the cuddle cot, but I know the extra time they will be given with their precious baby will be amazing.

I know it is easy to get caught up on our children growing up, but to put it in perspective. Think about not watching them grow up. I will never see Blakely grow up. I will never hear her first words, see her first smile, walking, running, playing sports,  first day of school, etc. That breaks my heart into a million pieces. I do cherish Braxton growing up. What a honor to be his mom and watching who he will be. I know his little sister Blakely is watching over him.

Loved baby

I have been reading a devotional called Loved Baby. I wanted to share a part with you. "He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth." (1 Peter 2:22)  Jesus never sinned, yet he suffered. We all suffer in this world. Good and bad happens to us all. The bible is clear the loss of our little one is not because of any sin we have conducted, nor would it have been prevented had we been perfect. (Loved Baby devotional-searching Why)

The bible provides us instances after instance of people lamenting their concerns to God. There is none more profound than Jesus hanging on the cross: "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" Which means My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Matthew 27:46 (Loved baby devotional-Searching Why)

Jesus felt abandoned and you probably feel abandoned. This reading in the devotional was God saying this is not your fault. Stop blaming yourself. Evil exists in our world. Each one of us go through bad and good. We will all deal with unfair deaths of loved ones, hurt, pain, etc. As much as we want to question God we will never get that answer in this  lifetime on earth. Questioning and asking God doesn't mean you are a bad Christian. It means you are grieving. Take heart and cry out to our God. He is listening and he is covering you with a hug. God wants us to cry out and talk to him. Even when we are angry he is listening. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

I wish I could say that every pain, heartache, anger, jealousy, etc is gone from my heart, but it isn't. I am still working through my grieving process of my daughter Blakely Ranee. I know she is in heaven with Jesus and one day I will see her again. That gives me a peace. God is still helping me as I mourn my daughter. It really doesn't get easier. It gets different. I am forever changed because of Blakely. I was able to carry her and give birth. I met and held my beautiful daughter. I wish things were different, but I am honored to be her momma. She is a gift from God and I will be forever thankful for the time I had with her. I wish she was still growing and that I would bring her home, but I can't. I can't rewind time as much as I want to. I have to hold onto hope and God. I have to lean on God during the most difficult time of my life to get me through this. I couldn't get through this without God by my side. I hope the part of the devotional I shared gives you some peace. Check out the devotional because it really is a great one that I highly recommend.

What happens after a stillbirth

First, this post may be a little TMI, but people around us experiencing a stillbirth need you to know. Your body does not know your baby died. We experience all the after effects of birth like anyone else. That includes bleeding and milk coming in. Let me tell you that was painful and made everything so emotional! The day before Blakely's service my boobs were so engorged and red. It hurt when Braxton bumped into me and when people hugged me. Our hormones are out of whack just like someone who has a baby born alive. Except we are also dealing with a very traumatic loss of our baby as well. The reason I share this is because people forget. People seem to forget that just because our babies have passed away that we still deal with the after effects of birth. Pain, bleeding, milk coming, recovering from either vaginal birth or C-section. One more reminder for anyone reading my blog who has experienced a stillbirth or infant loss. Do not let anyone tell you that you need to stop grieving and move on. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't talk about your baby or grieve openly. This is one of the most difficult things you may ever go through. You grieve the way you want! It will take a lifetime....we don't just recover from this.

Appointment with Dr. K and headstone

Yesterday we  had an appointment with Dr.K. The placenta report came back fine so it was only the cord accident. It makes me glad nothing else was wrong, but sad for our Blakely. I hate that is happened because she should still be growing and getting bigger. He told us that he is obviously worried about our emotional well being as we went through a traumatic loss and we can never replace  Blakely. So I don't know what our future holds, but one thing for sure is she will be forever missed! We are starting grief counseling so hopefully it helps with some of the grieving process.

If you are wondering how I am doing. I am ok. I still cry every day. Especially when I am alone. I cry every time I go to the cemetery. When I am alone that is when I talk to Blakely the most and pray to God. I have to pray and cry out to God because what we are going through is one of the most awful things I have ever gone through. Losing a child is hard. All my dreams and plans I had for Blakely will not happen.

I still have a few weeks before I am released to workout, but I am walking a 5k with a friend this month. The Remember the 10 run in Stillwater.

Yesterday we designed Blakely's headstone. We should get a proof in about a week. I can't wait to see it. I know it will  be beautiful just like her. I am trying to find way to honor Blakely's name. Maybe raising money for stillborn research or cooling cots? I am still thinking on this.

Again, please let me know if you see butterflies. They remind us of Blakely. Please say her name. You can bring her up. We love her and miss her. Just because she is in heaven doesn't mean we can't talk about her. She will always be that missing piece in our hearts and have a special place in our lives.

Our sweet Blakely Ranee

After a long journey of IVF we had finally achieved pregnancy after 3 ivf cycles, 1 donor cycle, break then a 4th ivf cycle. We were so excited. We found out it was a little girl and we named her Blakely. At 23 weeks I went in for an heartbeat check to find out our Blakely's heart stopped. We were so devastated. Chris wasn't at this appointment with me. When the doctor said ok lets go check with an ultrasound my heart sank, but I tried to keep myself together and holding onto hope all was ok. When my doctor started the ultrasound I knew it wasn't ok. I didn't see the flicker of her heartbeat. Braxton was with me and my doctor turned to the nurse and asked her to take Braxton to get a sucker. At that moment I knew it was real and I just let out a huge cry and my hands went to my face. I remember saying to Dr. K that no this can't be happening we went through so many ivf cycles to get pregnant with her. He said I know I know and held me as I cried. I will never ever forget that day. The day my heart broke into a million pieces. I called Chris who immediately left work.  The following Thursday we had an appt to confirm. I didn't even look at the ultrasound machines because I already knew. It was awful. I had to carry my Blakely for an additional week before I delivered her. The following Monday I started meds and delivered her on Tuesday March 27, 2018 at 7:15 pm. Dr. K checked Blakely out. He came to us and said she is beautiful and healthy its a cord accident. I started crying again because I was so angry. I was angry because this shouldn't have happened. I was admitted to the hospital at 6:00 am on Tuesday. The nurses were outstanding. They walked me through everything, kept my pain under control, and helped us with all the next steps that followed delivery. We were able to hold our sweet girl, take pictures, etc. She stayed in our room the whole night. The next day when we were released was so hard. It is very unnatural to leave your baby at the hospital and knowing you will never come back for them either. The funeral home picked Blakely up and we met with them the next day. They let us have some time with her again. I wanted pictures of her in the outfit I bought for her burial. It was a pink/lace gown with a bonnet. She was precious in it. Oh how I wish we didn't have to go through this. I miss my baby girl so much. It is hard to wrap my head around how this happened. Blakely was wanted, fought for, loved, and planned! If only my love could have saved my baby girl. I still don't know when I will be ok. I feel like I will never be ok. When you fight so hard for something and it is taken from you like this its hard to understand. It is hard not to be angry.
The Saturday following her delivery March 31, 2018 we had Blakely's service. My pastor came to help with her service, we played the song Glory Baby, and released balloons for Blakely. It was a hard day, but a beautiful service for our perfect girl. I have gone to the cemetery almost everyday. I talk to her and cry. I miss her with every piece of myself. Her brother misses her. He doesn't understand at all. He use to kiss my belly every night and tell Blakely he loved her. We did read a special book and visited the cemetery with him. We talked about how Blakely is in heaven with Jesus. He doesn't fully understand, but enough to know she isn't coming home with us and mommy is no longer pregnant.
I have really struggled with appetite. I cry a lot. I am triggered by a lot of things. I have cried in public. This is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. Having a baby born stillborn is tough. I know some may think I should just get over this, but I can't. All I know is Blakely is my daughter and always will be.
Blakely Ranee Mace we love you forever and ever! You are a beautiful baby girl. You were taken too soon and for that I will never understand. I will see you again in heaven one day. I can't wait to hold you again.