Our sweet Blakely Ranee

After a long journey of IVF we had finally achieved pregnancy after 3 ivf cycles, 1 donor cycle, break then a 4th ivf cycle. We were so excited. We found out it was a little girl and we named her Blakely. At 23 weeks I went in for an heartbeat check to find out our Blakely's heart stopped. We were so devastated. Chris wasn't at this appointment with me. When the doctor said ok lets go check with an ultrasound my heart sank, but I tried to keep myself together and holding onto hope all was ok. When my doctor started the ultrasound I knew it wasn't ok. I didn't see the flicker of her heartbeat. Braxton was with me and my doctor turned to the nurse and asked her to take Braxton to get a sucker. At that moment I knew it was real and I just let out a huge cry and my hands went to my face. I remember saying to Dr. K that no this can't be happening we went through so many ivf cycles to get pregnant with her. He said I know I know and held me as I cried. I will never ever forget that day. The day my heart broke into a million pieces. I called Chris who immediately left work.  The following Thursday we had an appt to confirm. I didn't even look at the ultrasound machines because I already knew. It was awful. I had to carry my Blakely for an additional week before I delivered her. The following Monday I started meds and delivered her on Tuesday March 27, 2018 at 7:15 pm. Dr. K checked Blakely out. He came to us and said she is beautiful and healthy its a cord accident. I started crying again because I was so angry. I was angry because this shouldn't have happened. I was admitted to the hospital at 6:00 am on Tuesday. The nurses were outstanding. They walked me through everything, kept my pain under control, and helped us with all the next steps that followed delivery. We were able to hold our sweet girl, take pictures, etc. She stayed in our room the whole night. The next day when we were released was so hard. It is very unnatural to leave your baby at the hospital and knowing you will never come back for them either. The funeral home picked Blakely up and we met with them the next day. They let us have some time with her again. I wanted pictures of her in the outfit I bought for her burial. It was a pink/lace gown with a bonnet. She was precious in it. Oh how I wish we didn't have to go through this. I miss my baby girl so much. It is hard to wrap my head around how this happened. Blakely was wanted, fought for, loved, and planned! If only my love could have saved my baby girl. I still don't know when I will be ok. I feel like I will never be ok. When you fight so hard for something and it is taken from you like this its hard to understand. It is hard not to be angry.
The Saturday following her delivery March 31, 2018 we had Blakely's service. My pastor came to help with her service, we played the song Glory Baby, and released balloons for Blakely. It was a hard day, but a beautiful service for our perfect girl. I have gone to the cemetery almost everyday. I talk to her and cry. I miss her with every piece of myself. Her brother misses her. He doesn't understand at all. He use to kiss my belly every night and tell Blakely he loved her. We did read a special book and visited the cemetery with him. We talked about how Blakely is in heaven with Jesus. He doesn't fully understand, but enough to know she isn't coming home with us and mommy is no longer pregnant.
I have really struggled with appetite. I cry a lot. I am triggered by a lot of things. I have cried in public. This is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. Having a baby born stillborn is tough. I know some may think I should just get over this, but I can't. All I know is Blakely is my daughter and always will be.
Blakely Ranee Mace we love you forever and ever! You are a beautiful baby girl. You were taken too soon and for that I will never understand. I will see you again in heaven one day. I can't wait to hold you again.