We had an Autumn mug swap and the lovely Lauren was my partner. She sent me a yummy tea and a cute cat mug. Thank you! I really love being connected with other girls who know how hard this journey is!
Only two more weeks till our appointment. Seems so far away. It has went by pretty quick, but not fast enough. I am just ready to know what our doctor is going to say and when we can move on/if any treatment adjustements. I lost about 10 lbs before my IVF number 2. Then during and after miscarriage I started slacking on my healthy eating. Starting tomorrow I am back at eating better...except for Thanksgiving family meals. I will probably start running again till IVF number 3 starts up. I would like to lose an additional 10 lbs, but will probably have a bit more to lose of what I gained during my down time.
On Facebook lately I have noticed a lot of pregnancy and birth announcements. I am kinda over it. Really, I am. I am happy for people, but it seems like everyday it is shoved in my face that I can't have the one thing I have been fighting for, for 2 1/2 years. Why does this have to be so hard? I am slowly coming out of my shell. I have been closed up since the miscarriage. What I mean by closed up is I don't want to do anything or talk about stuff. I did have two friends who made sure I got out and I really appreciated their caring gestures and support. I really do have some amazing friends.
Hello! I thought I would do a blog update since I haven't updated in awhile. People keep asking me how I am doing. Well, I am doing better with each day that passes. Yes, I am sad. I should be 10 weeks tomorrow and that makes my heart so sad. The one thing I do know is that in the last two and half years I have experienced a lot of pain and loss (month after month of no pregnancy) and failed treatments. So, this miscarriage adds to that loss and sorrow. I just know that I have to pick myself up and continue to push forward...I have no other choice. I am meant to be a mom one way or another. I have also in the last 2 1/2 years opened my mind and heart to more options to becoming a mom. I never thought IVF would be an option, but here we are moving onto IVF #3. At this point in my life I feel like we will adopt one day. Right now I am willing to try IVF two more times...that could change. I am just not sure how much more of this emotional journey I can take. It is draining and frankly I am just plain tired of all the failure. I pray and hope that IVF #3 is successful for us and we have a healthy pregnancy and I have a lot of hope in it. Hopefully we will get pregnant and stay pregnant. Then we can decide if we want an only child, adopt, or try IVF again. I am not sure what we will decide right now. I do know that if we adopt it will not matter what my child looks like and children make my heart happy no matter what they look like.
My prayer request at this time are:
*That God prepares Chris and I emotionally and mentally for IVF #3 (not till 2014)
*That the next IVF is successful and I stay pregnant
*For God to keep moving our hearts towards adoption in the future.
*To continue to give each other strength through this process.
"Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips." Psalm 37:8
Sometimes throughout our infertility journey we have had people say insensitive things to us. I have learned that people sometimes just don't use the right words or they just don't know what to say. I have also said insensitive things to people. I remember still to this day a very insensitive thing I said to a very dear friend that was struggling with infertility back when we were in college. It makes me so sad to this day of what I said. Now, I am sitting here in her shoes and I hear some of the same things. So, I get it. I really try to remember people mean well, but today I had a person say something to me that was just awful. It crushed my heart in so many ways. This person is not a family member and is not a close friend...so really it shouldn't matter what they said. Right? It does though. I am not going to write what this person said, but I can tell you it was probably the most hurtful thing anyone ever said to me. I can say that I am thankful for the support of some of my sisters that struggle with infertility who had my back in the conversation. Sadly, I let my emotions get the best of me and I said some not so nice things. I apologized though. Then I read in my devotional of when people say insensitive things to you. It reminded me to keep my mouth closed and reminded me to pray for this situation. For all my sisters that struggle with infertility I am sorry for all the insensitive things that you have been told. My "favorite" is just relax or just adopt.
I am a little stronger every day and this journey has made me a stronger person. I am a different person because of this, but I am still Lisa. Love me for who I am.
I called my acupuncturist to set up my new days and times to start again. I will start acupuncture again this Friday. I will go on Thursday starting next week. This will be good for me in many ways. It will help reduce stress and get my body back in sync. I know a lot of people laugh when I say I believe in acupuncture..I even think Chris isn't a big believer in it, but I do believe in it. I think it helped with my last IVF cycle with my estrogen levels and stress. I also really like my acupuncturist because he is caring and works with what the doctor does. He is also a believer in Christ and that is big in my book. :) I am very excited about starting again..just not paying the fee every week. LOL, but you do what you do for the blessing you are wanting!
Now, for the next part..I wanted to lead in with something more positive so I started with acupuncture. Infertile people will get this next piece and maybe some others will too. I am being honest and sadly I think it is not talked about enough. People don't tell you about how hard infertility is on a marriage! I am blessed with a husband who is by my side and we are on the same page, but we still have our days. Especially with the miscarriage. Men seem to just move on after they are told you are having a miscarriage...while me(the women) are going through all the pain and healing of a miscarriage. Chris and I had a talk on Sunday about how I felt and I am better now. I think I needed him to know how I was feeling and how I felt all alone in this process. Chris mentioned this to a close female friend he works with. She has had a miscarriage before as well. She said that men deal with these differently then men. After all that we are doing much better. Talking is the key to everything and I am so glad he talked to another woman so he knew I wasn't crazy. ;)
5 more weeks till our doctor appointment! I am anxious to hear what our doctor has to say about this past cycle. I am also glad our doctor makes us wait/encourages us to wait before moving on. I think it is best for my body and give Chris and I a chance to clear our minds and heal.
I am doing much better this week. I stopped bleeding and my numbers fully dropped. I am feeling so much better than I did in the past two weeks. It is a slow process, but I will get there.
I had my blood work done again this morning and I got the call from the nurse and my numbers dropped completely. Thank goodness. Currently I am just spotting and hopefully it will all end soon. We have about 5 1/2 weeks till we have our appointment with our doctor. Ready to figure out what is going on and move on with our next steps in 2014. We are still healing from the miscarriage and it will take time. Hopefully soon I can shake this not so great mood I have been in lately. Praying for strength and guidance as we wait for our next steps.
