I would die for that..

 

It has been 5 days sense we got our results from our past cycle. We get stronger with each day. We have an appointment with our doctor May 6 to discuss our failed cycle and I think it will help even more with the closure process. I have done lots of thinking and praying for our future. Some things I will share and some of it I will just keep to myself for now. Tomorrow we meet with an adoption agency we are really interested in. I really hope we are happy with this place and it is a good experience. I have started filling out paper work. I have started looking a cribs and furniture that we both like for the nursery. I am still a little nervous about the unknowns of the adoption process, but as we move through it I know things will get easier. I used this song because I am 1 in 8. You probably know others who struggle. It is a hard struggle and each couple needs your support, love, and encouragement.

We are 1 in 8

We are 1 in 8. http://www.resolve.org/about/fast-facts-about-fertility.html

IVF cycle number 3= BFN

First, I apologize for not updating sooner. I didn't have the right words and was an emotional mess to post. Our third cycle failed. We found out Thursday. The call from the nurse was like a kick in the stomach! I sat there and cried, yelled, and questioned God. I felt forgotten from my God... but then I was reminded "For the sake of his great name the Lord will not reject his people, because the Lord was pleased to make you his own." 1 Samuel 12:22
My heart was breaking and it felt like my heart was shattered in a million pieces laying on the floor in my living room. I sat there thinking I am only 27...only 27. What in the world? How can this be happening? Is this a dream? You mean to tell me I may never experience pregnancy, the birth process, breast feeding? I will never get to look at my baby and see my nose, mouth, eyes, etc? Why? Is it ok for me to feel sad and angry? "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18  
Sometimes we get to a point where infertility treatments become too much and too painful for us to continue. We all have a point we have to stop...it is not giving up. It is a point where you know that the bigger picture is to be happy and get back to your happy self. The past few years and especially the past year has been filled with sadness and frankly little hope. I am tired of feeling this way and I am tired of not being happy. Chris and I deserve to be happy. I have had 2 surgeries and 3 IVF cycles in the past year. 2 failed cycles and 1 ended in an early miscarriage. If that does not show you the ups and downs we have experienced in the past year then I don't know what will. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight. Proverbs 3: 5-6  We have decided that for now it is time to stop fertility treatments and stop actively trying to conceive. We are not saying that we will never do treatments again because we may. We meet with our doctor May 6 so we will hopefully have some new answers and I can assure you he will have a new plan because something is not right! But, for now we are not finding happiness with this journey and it is time for something new in our lives. We are going to start the adoption process. We meet with an agency next week. "God sets the lonely in families." Psalm 68:6 Sometimes you get to a point in life and what is most important to you! Chris and I have decided that we have a strong desire for children no matter what. It is more important then experiencing pregnancy. At the end of  the day we BOTH deserve to be happy and content and this adoption is what is moving in our hearts. We believe God has a great plan for us..we are not saying we will never conceive on your own or through a future treatment..but what we do know is that adoption is a miracle all in its own. We are excited for this new journey and really hope we continue to have the support of our family, friends, and blogger friends. We need your prayers, love, and support through this new journey. It will be hard. We know this is the best for us and that is all that matters. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 
We will continue to blog about our journey and share our experiences.  We just need a break from treatments for a while and find some happiness! 

6dp5dt

I am 6 days past a 5 day transfer today. Each cycle I always seem to get these lovely migraines around this time! Awful! I was in bed part of Friday, all of Saturday, off and on headache yesterday, and felt like crap all day at work. I really dislike migraines....especially when I can't take anything for them. I am praying tomorrow I feel better! I am hanging on here and trying to stay patient and calm during this tww. I am trusting in God's plan. I have had a few melt downs today, but trying to pull myself back to my happy place. 

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. Jeremiah 17:7 

Day 5, Transfer day

Yesterday was my transfer. It went well! I had to embryos transferred back. Today we go the call that none of our other embryos were able to be frozen. I am kind of sad about this. None of our cycles have had any to freeze. Frustrating. We are just choosing and staying positive for the ones transferred back yesterday. Thank you for all the prayers from our family and friends. Today we have a friend in the neighborhood bringing us dinner! My mom is staying with me too to help me around the house etc. I am very thankful.

Day 3 and Transfer date

Here is our day 3 embie report:
We had 1 die(No more development was seen)
We have 13 that are 8-10 cells(Where they should be today)
We have 2 (That are a little less than 8 cell)

We have transfer on Tuesday! We will learn the grade and how many made it to day 5 and if we have any to freeze. 

Day 2 Embie report

Here is my Day 2 Embie report: Remember yesterday we had 9 fertilized growing and developing today. Well, when the embryologist called today the 7 the didn't look fertilized did indeed fertilize! So that gives a total of 16 embies right now! Obviously, they will not all make it to day 5, but we are praying for 2 great quality embryos to transfer and a few to freeze. My past two cycles I have never had any make it to freeze so I really hope we do! Today they needed to be between 2-4 cells and all 16 were! Tomorrow they should be 8-10 cell. We will wait for that call tomorrow! Transfer will be on Tuesday! I haven't gotten a time yet, but I will tomorrow when she calls!


 Here is my outfit I wore for my retrieval. I will wear this shirt for my transfer too! I made the shirt a while back ago! Of course, you need lucky socks too!

 

Here is a picture from retrieval. The left photo is before and sporting my shirt. The right photo is after retrieval.

Day 1 report

Day 1 report:
17 out of the 19 were mature.
9 fertilized
1 was abnormal
7 did not fertilize.
So we have 9 Embies growing and developing. We will get another update tomorrow with how they are doing! Grow embies grow! Praying these 9 are strong embryos.

I am still a little sore from retrieval, but will be resting all weekend. 

Retrieval day....How many eggies?!?!?!

Today was my retrieval. I woke up with a little headache and a feeling like I was going to throw up. The ride to the hospital was awful. I finally was given the IV and then taken to the room for my retrieval. My anesthesiologist was awesome and had me out quick! I woke up feeling so much better. I really think it was my nerves! Of course, they took real good care of me at Bennett Fertility. I had 19 Eggs retrieved! More than we thought! Now we wait for the call tomorrow with our update! I am just resting and taking it easy today. I am a little tender, but feeling good.

Trigger shot and Retrieval date

The past four days I have had an appointment with my doctor since I was so close with my follicle sizes. That means a vaginal u/s and blood work every day. In 8 days and I had 6 appts out of 8 days! That is crazy! Haha. I am so glad my doctor takes that time to monitor me closely though! Yesterday I had an appt before I went to work so I went at 7:45. My doctor had a student that day and she can in the room during my u/s. He told her I was probably the sweetest person he met. Aww! How sweet! Then he just told her that it has been hard getting me pregnant and then told her I have endo. I also was able to see a couple of my favorite nurses...shh don't tell anyone I have favorites! :)
This cycle my E2 numbers have been great, my lining is great, and overall a smoother process. I will know on Thursday how many eggs I have. 
My trigger shot is tonight! Then I have retrieval on Thursday! I just can't believe we are already at this point. Crazy! 
I will update after my retrieval!