Post-op

Today I had my post-op appointment with our specialist. He showed us a picture of the polyp he removed and said my uterus looks fine. He told us we could start the IVF protocol in Feb. Which we are so excited about. Nervous, but excited. I started my new diet today and praying this change helps in many ways. My doctor gave me a hug before we left today...I swear he is the best doctor! Now, I need to find ways to stay positive and encouraged during this next cycle. I find it harder after failed cycles. We are really praying that IVF 3 is finally our time and 2014 will be the best yet. 

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! Chris and I really enjoyed this year! 

Pictures

 Here is my picture before surgery yesterday.  I know isn't it lovely?! Pretty sexy, huh?

Here is a few pictures from Chris's work Christmas party.

Surgery

Today I had my surgery. We arrived at Integris Baptist at 6:45 and filled out our paperwork, did blood work, then went back to prepare for surgery. Dr. Reshef came back and spoke to me about the surgery. I was taken back to the room for surgery. I was so nervous and I was shaking. It was cold too. Then I was out and woke up in stage one recovery. Then I was moved to stage 2. When they let me get up to use the restroom I got really dizzy and said I am going to throw up. They gave me a barf bag and I threw up. I felt better after that. I am a little sore, but not awful. Dr. Reshef told Chris he found a small polyp that was kinda hidden. I had a polyp removed in Feb 2013 also. We will meet with Dr. Reshef next week to discuss all this. He also scrapped my uterus during this. So, I have some bleeding currently. Overall I feel good. My surgery in Feb. was much worse. I have a picture I wanted to attach, but my phone is having issues. I will attach in another blog post when I can.

TTC Ornament Exchange

I participated in two TTC ornament Exchanges so I wanted to show you all.

This cute little reindeer ornament is from a sweet girl named Erin. She is pregnant from IVF after multiple IVF cycles and a couple of adoption tries that fell through. So happy for her. Thank you so much for this beautiful ornament.

The next two pictures of from a girl on my instagram. So sweet. She even sent some sweet treats to my cats and dog.

 

 

 

 

A new day brings new beginnings.

I have had a few days to let everything sit in and think about our next steps. I strongly believe that God can pull me through this situation and miracles can happen. I am not sure what our future looks like at this time, but I know one day Chris and I will be parents. It just may not happen the way we want it to. Since our appointment we have done some research, I spoke to a friend about essential oils, and I saw my acupuncturist. The research we did was on the endometriosis diet. It is very strict, but I feel like I do not have much choice right now. I am going to start it after Christmas. I will be giving up a lot of the foods I love, but hopefully this will help in some way. I am also continuing acupuncture of course and I am going to add an Essential oil up till I start IVF then I have to stop the oil. Praying the surgery and the new adjustments will help us. I am continuing to trust God and pray we will get pregnant and stay pregnant with a little miracle. The past couple of days have been pretty difficult and I am ready to get past this bump in the road. (It feels more than a bump though). It really sucks that my Endo is so bad. I wish I would have known when I was younger that I had it so that maybe we could have done more...

Frustrated with infertility

Today Chris and I had our appointment. We didn't feel like our doctor was very hopeful of our future cycles because of how severe my endo is. I have stage 4 endo and it makes a hostile environment. I am going to have another surgery on December 20th. It will not be like my first surgery...thank goodness. Then we can try IVF again a few months later. Then if it doesn't work we will need to really consider adoption. I am frustrated, angry, scared, and sad.

Autumn mug swap/ this and that

We had an Autumn mug swap and the lovely Lauren was my partner. She sent me a yummy tea and a cute cat mug. Thank you! I really love being connected with other girls who know how hard this journey is! 

Only two more weeks till our appointment. Seems so far away. It has went by pretty quick, but not fast enough. I am just ready to know what our doctor is going to say and when we can move on/if any treatment adjustements. I lost about 10 lbs before my IVF number 2. Then during and after miscarriage I started slacking on my healthy eating. Starting tomorrow I am back at eating better...except for Thanksgiving family meals. I will probably start running again till IVF number 3 starts up. I would like to lose an additional 10 lbs, but will probably have a bit more to lose of what I gained during my down time. 
On Facebook lately I have noticed a lot of pregnancy and birth announcements. I am kinda over it. Really, I am. I am happy for people, but it seems like everyday it is shoved in my face that I can't have the one thing I have been fighting for, for 2 1/2 years. Why does this have to be so hard? I am slowly coming out of my shell. I have been closed up since the miscarriage. What I mean by closed up is I don't want to do anything or talk about stuff. I did have two friends who made sure I got out and I really appreciated their caring gestures and support. I really do have some amazing friends. 

Brighter days and a brighter future

Hello! I thought I would do a blog update since I haven't updated in awhile. People keep asking me how I am doing. Well, I am doing better with each day that passes. Yes, I am sad. I should be 10 weeks tomorrow and that makes my heart so sad. The one thing I do know is that in the last two and half years I have experienced a lot of pain and loss (month after month of no pregnancy) and failed treatments. So, this miscarriage adds to that loss and sorrow. I just know that I have to pick myself up and continue to push forward...I have no other choice. I am meant to be a mom one way or another. I have also in the last 2 1/2 years opened my mind and heart to more options to becoming a mom. I never thought IVF would be an option, but here we are moving onto IVF #3. At this point in my life I feel like we will adopt one day. Right now I am willing to try IVF two more times...that could change. I am just not sure how much more of this emotional journey I can take. It is draining and frankly I am just plain tired of all the failure. I pray and hope that IVF #3 is successful for us and we have a healthy pregnancy and I have a lot of hope in it. Hopefully we will get pregnant and stay pregnant. Then we can decide if we want an only child, adopt, or try IVF again. I am not sure what we will decide right now. I do know that if we adopt it will not matter what my child looks like and children make my heart happy no matter what they look like.

My prayer request at this time are:
*That God prepares Chris and I emotionally and mentally for IVF #3 (not till 2014)
*That the next IVF is successful and I stay pregnant
*For God to keep moving our hearts towards adoption in the future.
*To continue to give each other strength through this process.

 

When People Say Insensitive Things

"Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips." Psalm 37:8

Sometimes throughout our infertility journey we have had people say insensitive things to us. I have learned that people sometimes just don't use the right words or they just don't know what to say. I have also said insensitive things to people. I remember still to this day a very insensitive thing I said to a very dear friend that was struggling with infertility back when we were in college. It makes me so sad to this day of what I said. Now, I am sitting here in her shoes and I hear some of the same things. So, I get it. I really try to remember people mean well, but today I had a person say something to me that was just awful. It crushed my heart in so many ways. This person is not a family member and is not a close friend...so really it shouldn't matter what they said. Right? It does though. I am not going to write what this person said, but I can tell you it was probably the most hurtful thing anyone ever said to me. I can say that I am thankful for the support of some of my sisters that struggle with infertility who had my back in the conversation. Sadly, I let my emotions get the best of me and I said some not so nice things. I apologized though. Then I read in my devotional of when people say insensitive things to you. It reminded me to keep my mouth closed and reminded me to pray for this situation. For all my sisters that struggle with infertility I am sorry for all the insensitive things that you have been told. My "favorite" is just relax or just adopt. 
I am a little stronger every day and this journey has made me a stronger person. I am a different person because of this, but I am still Lisa. Love me for who I am. 

Sometimes your heart just hurts..

I called my acupuncturist to set up my new days and times to start again. I will start acupuncture again this Friday. I will go on Thursday starting next week. This will be good for me in many ways. It will help reduce stress and get my body back in sync. I know a lot of people laugh when I say I believe in acupuncture..I even think Chris isn't a big believer in it, but I do believe in it. I think it helped with my last IVF cycle with my estrogen levels and stress. I also really like my acupuncturist because he is caring and works with what the doctor does. He is also a believer in Christ and that is big in my book. :) I am very excited about starting again..just not paying the fee every week. LOL, but you do what you do for the blessing you are wanting!
Now, for the next part..I wanted to lead in with something more positive so I started with acupuncture. Infertile people will get this next piece and maybe some others will too. I am being honest and sadly I think it is not talked about enough. People don't tell you about how hard infertility is on a marriage! I am blessed with a husband who is by my side and we are on the same page, but we still have our days. Especially with the miscarriage. Men seem to just move on after they are told you are having a miscarriage...while me(the women) are going through all the pain and healing of a miscarriage. Chris and I had a talk on Sunday about how I felt and I am better now. I think I needed him to know how I was feeling and how I felt all alone in this process. Chris mentioned this to a close female friend he works with. She has had a miscarriage before as well. She said that men deal with these differently then men. After all that we are doing much better. Talking is the key to everything and I am so glad he talked to another woman so he knew I wasn't crazy. ;) 
5 more weeks till our doctor appointment! I am anxious to hear what our doctor has to say about this past cycle. I am also glad our doctor makes us wait/encourages us to wait before moving on. I think it is best for my body and give Chris and I a chance to clear our minds and heal. 
I am doing much better this week. I stopped bleeding and my numbers fully dropped. I am feeling so much better than I did in the past two weeks. It is a slow process, but I will get there. 

Moving on

I had my blood work done again this morning and I got the call from the nurse and my numbers dropped completely. Thank goodness. Currently I am just spotting and hopefully it will all end soon. We have about 5 1/2 weeks till we have our appointment with our doctor. Ready to figure out what is going on and move on with our next steps in 2014. We are still healing from the miscarriage and it will take time. Hopefully soon I can shake this not so great mood I have been in lately. Praying for strength and guidance as we wait for our next steps.

blood work

I had blood work today to check my numbers and make sure they are going down. Last Friday they were 76 and today they are 29.6, so I have to keep being monitored till they drop completely.  I have been bleeding for 6 days now and I guess I will continue till the numbers drop off. Yesterday was really rough and I had really bad cramps and heavy bleeding. I really just want this all to end. It was actually really hard to walk into the clinic today. I love the nurses and I am so grateful for them. If they weren't nice and caring it would make this whole process and 100 times worse. We made our appointment with Dr. R and it is December 10th. I am ready for that appointment. It feels so far away, but it will be here before I know it. 

Yesterday, I received a package from a infertility friend that I have connected with over the last year. Her sweet card and worry doll to me were so sweet. So blessed by the friendships and support God has brought into my life. I also received a card from a girl I just started following and interacting with on Instagram. It was so sweet and I cried reading her words of encouragement. It is so nice to have this support during a difficult time and I will be forever grateful. 

Today on the radio I was listening to some uplifting music and words on K-Love. They made a good point, that sometimes God allows tough situations so that we have no other choice, but to lean on him. I truly believe that. God is not causing my infertility, but through this tough journey I have grown closer in my relationship and lean on him more than ever before. I have no other choice because I can't fix this situation. I can only pray to God and ask for help and understanding through this crappy journey. This past week I have been so angry and upset that I have only been able to pray God why? God.. Then I just cry. I truly am thankful for all the people in my life praying because of you I have had peace surround me. I know God knows my heart and he knows I am sad. He knows what I am trying to pray. BUT, thank you for everyone who is praying for Chris and me because your prayers really are helping bring peace to this situation. Thank you!! Thank you! We love each one of you that follow our journey and pray for us. 

Pray for this couple

 Sending prayers to this couple. You can read her blog post to see what is going on! They need lots of prayers right. I can't imagine this...

http://www.themakingofbabyben.com/

I am not as strong as you think I am...

I am still waiting for the miscarriage to happen.. that is the worst part just waiting. I am finding it very hard to move on when it hasn't happened yet. I stopped my meds on Friday so it should be happening soon. If you are wondering how I am doing...well, the best that I can. I am sad and angry, but you probably expect that. I am weak right now..weak because I have no strength to even give a fake smile right now. Sometimes I think I fool a lot of people around me because I have so many people that say I am strong. I am not strong and have cried so many times. Sometimes I just sit here and ask what in the heck just happened and why? Sometimes I am so angry that I start asking God why he is not helping us? Then I start reminding myself that God has plan to prosper you and not hurt you. Then I get angry at myself for questioning my God and being angry. 

I am sad because my friends and family are afraid to tell me about pregnancies. That makes me sad. It should be an exciting time, but instead they are worried they will hurt me. I have friends who tell me I don't have to come to their baby shower. I appreciate all my friends and family who are worried about me, but the thing I have realized is that if I run everyone off because of Chris and my craptastic situation we are in then I wouldn't have any friends or support.  

I am confused and sad, but day by day things will get better. In December we will have more answers and actions so we can move further. Until then we heal and move on with our journey. A journey I never thought I would be on...A journey I hope to never watch someone else go through. 

Beta Hell/ Early Miscarriage

So, let me start first by saying that our IVF cycle number 2 was not a complete fail. We actually got a positive. Our first positive ever! My beta was low on the first check at check a 29. Anything over 2.9 they count as pregnant. They like numbers over 50. So it wasn't perfect by any means. That was on October 8th. Then on October 10th I had another check. My numbers went up to 85! We were so excited and started to actually think this worked. 5 days later we had another check and the numbers didn't fully double. It was only 250. There was still a small chance of hope. 
Then I had an appointment today Oct. 18 and my leveled dropped to 76. So now I have to stop my progesterone and wait for the bleed. 
The reason I call it beta hell is because my numbers were never strong and it put us on edge the whole time.

We are so heartbroken. I don't understand why we have gone through infertility and now our first positive ever ends in an early miscarriage. (5w3d) Now, we will meet with our doctor and discuss further treatments and where to go from here. The good thing is it worked this time...sadly it just ended in a miscarriage. Now we are moving onto IVF #3...wow #3. That is not how I thought my IVF cycles would be. I keep watching pregnancy announcement and birth announcements pop on my facebook...pretty much everyday. I am happy for them because no one deserves to go through this, but I want to experience that too. Now, I sit here wondering if I will be empty handed forever. Will I ever have a baby of my own? This has by far been the hardest part of our journey. I have fell to my knees many times in the past few days crying out Why God? Why? Why me? Why us? Some of you probably wonder why we don't give up....well because we are not ready to give up yet. At the age of 27, I have been going though infertility for nearly 2 1/2 years, I have had 2 IVF cycles, and one ended in a miscarriage. What luck? huh? I just want to be normal, but for some reason I have the infertility written all over me. Will I ever overcome infertility? Will I be an infertility survivor one day? Now, I have a sister that is about to have a baby and two baby showers to attend in the next two weeks. I am not so sure I can handle all that right now...but I will try. 
Now, we will start our healing process. My first IVF cycle which failed was a tough one to heal from..I am not sure how long this miscarriage will take to heal from. 
I really hope the people in my life that I am close to understand and recognize my strength and know how hard I try in every situation. I try very hard to always be there for my family and friends who are having babies. 
Most will never fully understand the pain in Chris and my journey..but if you at least try to understand the brokenness we are going through then that is all I can ask.

sharing a blog

I read a lot of infertility blogs. I came across this one and I wanted to share the link in case anyone that follows my blog has to use donor eggs. This woman is amazing. If interested read her blog. I can't imagine being in her shoes and using donor eggs. This journey is a roller coaster already. She has a beautiful little girl and I thought I would share her blog. Read it!

http://babydrought.blogspot.com/

Progesterone check

I had a progesterone check today. The nurse called me said my progesterone level was 21.5 so I am continuing my progesterone injections and adding progesterone suppositories. Oh boy! Gross. I hope this isn't a bad sign. I am remaining positive through this. I wrote some inspirational quotes and bible verses on my bathroom mirror to help me out every day! Please continue to pray with us for our IVF cycle.

Embryo update

None of our embryos made it to freezing. I am kinda bummed. I was hoping we would have at least one or two for backup. I hope one or both of my two that were transferred yesterday like their new home so we do not have to go through this process again.

Day 5/Transfer Day

We had our transfer today at 9 AM. The transfer is a bit uncomfortable and awkward in my opinion, but it was pretty fast process. Both were Blastocyst and praying one or both will be sticky beans. Tomorrow we find out if we have any to freeze. The Embryologist said she wants to give them a little more time since she had to check them so early this morning. I am now on bed rest today and tomorrow. I am already slightly bored. Hahaha. I took a little nap and will probably read my book soon. My mom is coming later to help so that Chris can go back to work tomorrow. Thank you for all the prayers leading up to transfer and all my friends and family who sent me text messages to see how things were going. We love you all.

Day 3

Day 3 update: I had my U/S today. Dr. Reshef said we are moving forward with the transfer on Sunday! He said my lining looks better. Today we had 14 embryos still going strong. We lost one due to being abnormal. We will know our final count on Sunday and how many we have to freeze. We do not have an update tomorrow. Please continue to pray for us. Praying wonderful things for this cycle. Praying God puts our hearts at peace.

Day 2

Day 2 call: Today we had much better news. The 11 they didn't look fertilized yesterday were today! So we have 15 little embryos growing and developing so far. I will get another update tomorrow, but no update on Day 4. I have my u/s tomorrow to check fluid on the lining. If the fluid is gone then we will have transfer at 9 Am on Sunday. We hope for good news tomorrow.

Day 1

We got our call today about our eggs. Of the 21 eggs retrieved, 16 of them were mature. 1 died, 4 are normal, and 11 are not fertilized. The Embryologist said a few could fertilize and develop over night. I am not going to lie to you, I am a little upset about this update. We used IVF/ICSI- the sperm was injected into the eggs. I am trying to stay positive and hope these 4 develop and grow! I will update tomorrow.

Retrieval day

I had 21 eggs retrieved today. The nurses took really good care of me. I really have had the best experience at Bennett Fertility. I am a little more sore this time. The medicine and drinking/eating salty foods should help too. I am resting up today. I will update tomorrow with how many were fertilized etc when I know. 

Risk of OHSS

My nurse called this morning. She said my estrogen level was 3705. So, they called in a prescription to start tonight...vaginally. Lovely...ugh! Well, I picked it up and it said take by mouth so I called the nurse. She said yes, but you will still do it vaginally. I am not liking this idea at all. lol. Yuck! The reason I am taking this medicine is because I am at risk of OHSS( Over Hyper Stimulation). We do not want that. Anyway, I guess I will deal with it and start taking it tonight. Tomorrow is my retrieval. I will update you when I can. I will also start baby aspirin on Wednesday..not really sure why. I will ask the nurse tomorrow. Tomorrow I also start my progesterone injections.

A little more sunshine in our day

Hello! First I want to update you on our appointment we had this morning then I am going to write a little better update from Friday. I was a bit too upset Friday to write a good blog post.

First: We had an ultra sound and blood work this morning. There was still fluid in my lining. Bummer! But, with that being said we are not out. My doctor had Chris and I come talk to him in the
"conference room" today. He told us our options and what he thought was best. We are doing the trigger shot tonight at 8 PM. Then on Tuesday we will go to Bennet at 6:30 Am. my retrieval will be about 7 Am. So we are going to retrieve still which is great! Then Friday I will go back and have an ultrasound to check my lining again.  If it still has fluid we will freeze our embryos and then he will do a DNC and then transfer at a later time. If the fluid is gone we will go ahead and do transfer on Sunday. Of course, the success on frozen is not as good as fresh. Chris and I are doing much better today and it will all work out! God has put my heart and mind at peace since Friday. I prayed and asked God to take over this situation and put us at peace. There is no sense in worrying about something we have no control over.

Second: I want to write a better post from Friday. So, Friday morning I had an appointment and Chris and I were both so excited. My estrogen levels have been awesome so we were feeling wonderful about things. Then our doctor found the fluid and it hit us like a pile of bricks. It was awful (in our opinion). My eyes filled with tears as Dr. R was telling us. Then as I got dressed I started crying like a big old baby! I mean crying! I have never left an appointment that upset before...usually I keep it together till I get to my car. The nurse had to give us our Sunday appointment time and she was just as upset as we were. Then I had to go pay our appointment bill and the lady at the desk brought me tissues...yes, it was that bad. I am sure that office lady deals with a lot of crying ladies. I had to walk out in a waiting room full of people with tears rolling down my face. It wasn't pretty I am sure. Then we had to go to Bennett Fertility to give them our paper work. The office lady saw me in the hall and immediately asked what was wrong and gave me a very long hug. She waved the nurse to come (Nurse J- I will call her). She came out and asked what was going on and gave me a hug too. They said we will pray for you all. Nurse J called me later to check on me. Let me tell you all...our doctor and his staff are the most amazing people ever! They truly care about their patients! After seeing a fertility specialist for a little over a year I finally had one of those melt downs. We have been trying for a little over 2 years and I guess it finally just caught up with me. It was so hard processing what my doctor said till we got home and I had a good cry. Then Chris and I talked about our options and prayed...and prayed some more.

Thank for all the kind words and prayers from our blog followers, friends, and family. We truly are blessed with you all. We couldn't go through this journey without your support and without God. We can't do this alone. Pray that retrieval goes well. I will update Tuesday after we get home. I should be released from the hospital around 9:30ish Tuesday. Praying for good quality eggs and that they fertilize and develop well.

Again, Thank you to all that follow our blog and support us through this struggle in our life.
Lisa and Chris

bummer

Wow...when things are going great and big things come down and hits you in the head! We were given not so great news today. I have fluid around my lining. Which means our cycle may be canceled. :( We go back in on Sunday morning and find out what we will need to do. I am frustrated beyond belief. I just can't wrap my head around all this.

Blessed

Today I had acupuncture..I even have a small bruise on my hand.  Now I have 5 bruises. Today while laying there relaxing/trying to fall asleep I was thinking. I was thinking about a conversation I had with a dear friend yesterday. We talked about how if I get pregnant I will still worry about my pregnancy until the day I hold my precious blessing. I guess with what I have gone through I will worry more than I would have if it wasn't this hard to get pregnant. I have learned so much during my struggle..I know what not to say to someone who is struggling or does not have children. I know that sometimes a hug is better than anything I can say. I know to listen to someone who is going through a hard time instead of saying it will be ok or you will be alright. I have experienced so much pain that I now understand that you have to walk in that person's shoes before you will ever understand what they are going through. I have more love to give then I ever had before! God has strengthened me and given me so much understanding because of Chris and I's journey. I have met some amazing women who are going through similar struggles and I realize not everyone will be able to ever carry their own children. I have hurt in my heart from my pain, but also watching other women with their struggles. I have made friendships with women who know exactly how I feel and are always here for me! 
I have so much to be thankful for and I am so blessed by my God. I have a husband who treats me better than I could ever had imagined. He works so hard for us and I am able to work part time as a nanny. I am thankful I am able to focus on our IVF cycle and not stress about work. I am so blessed. We have a beautiful home, 2 fat black cats, and 1 ornery boxer/German Shepherd mix. We have some amazing friends and family. We have a wonderful church and church family. We have an amazing small group through our church that never lets us fall and if we do they are right there picking us up! 
So, yes, infertility sucks in a bad way! It is a living hell, but God sure has blessed us in many other ways and we have great relationships through this bump in the road. 
Going through IVF is emotional...and I am going through it for the second time. I have had multiple injections, every other day blood work and ultra sound, and I go to acupuncture. I have had my fair share of needles..trust me! I hope one day I can look back on this journey and say I would do it all over again. I pray we get our little miracle this round. Without God in our life Chris and I couldn't make it through this. God is good! All the time!

Doctor appt. and estradiol check

I had an appointment today. I feel like a pin cushion. :) Anyway, during the ultra sound the doctor said he was happy with the size of my follicles. I got a call from the nurse about my blood work. My estrogen level went from 273 to 700! Chris and I are both excited about our cycle! Things are looking so much better than our last cycle. I was given directions on my new dose of meds. I will do 3 menopur powders now. I am a little nervous because 2 already sting so I can only imagine 3. I know this doesn't sound like a big deal to some people, but I am not a fan of injections and really they are uncomfortable. Tomorrow I only do 2 injections a day. Thank goodness! I was tired of the 6 Am injection. Hahaha. My doctor is predicting Monday as our retrieval..so Friday hopefully we will have a definite day! This process is an emotional roller coaster for sure! I have never experienced this kind of pain and loss that Chris and I are experiencing with infertility. We are stronger now than we were two years ago. I have also had to learn to ignore lots and lots of stupid comments! I have realized that some people will never understand and that's ok.

We are praying this gives us our little miracle(s). God has a wonderful plan for us..I know it!

IVF headache...

Tonight Chris was giving me my usual injections. Well...the Menopur needle had issues and some of the medicine came out. Chris got another needle and then it went in great, but we lost some. I called the on call nurse and she said it should be fine. I am still a little worried though. I have an appointment tomorrow and I am sure all will be fine.

I counted 4 bruised on me today. 2 bruises are from blood work and the other two are from injections. I am a pin cushion. 
 I had my acupuncture appt. It went great. It was relaxing. I really feel like it is helping me with this cycle.
Tomorrow I hope my estrogen continues to double!! 

Wednesday Appointment- better news!

Today I had my every other day ultra sound and blood work. My follicles are measuring well and my doctor was very happy with what he was seeing. :) I like when he is happy. I had my blood work done and then talked to the nurse about ordering more meds...and so we had to pay another good amount for more meds...but oh well. The nurse called me and said to continue my injections and finish out my Follistim injection. My Estrogen numbers on Saturday were 96 and today they were 273! She said my doctor was very excited about my numbers! My last cycle we struggled with my estrogen and that could have been the reason why my cycle failed. So, I am very excited and looking forward to my retrieval. He measured 10 good follicles today! :)

Saturday doctor appointment

 

I went in today for my every other day appointment. The nurse called me back and told me to continue Follistim. This is my third pen injection to do this cycle. I am still doing three injections and I have another appointment on Monday.  I am slightly frustrated with this cycle, but I guess we will see how things go.

Today I find myself more upset and frustrated than I was during IVF #1. It just seems like things are not going "right" this time. I wasn't suppressed so had to be put on some other meds which have now made me bleed. Had an awful experience with that at the doctors today...and will not go into detail because you probably don't even want to know. I am still on my Follistim pen. I am a bit more emotional this time and I feel like I can't express myself to anyone. I don't want Chris to get upset because I am upset. He already worries and feels bad watching my go through this IVF again. I can't express to many people because I don't want to sound like a baby, but really I just want to cry and be a baby. Is that wrong?

My favorite nurse was in the office today and did my blood work. We had a little trouble with my veins, but we finally got some blood. She also had to help me with my little mini crisis today. So glad she was the one there because anyone else I would have been even more embarrassed!

I do have to say that I have the most amazing and caring doctor ever! Even Chris said I love how Dr. Reshef treats you. When I was getting my blood work done he came over and patted me on my shoulder. He did say my follicles looked good today. So, I am going to try and not worry about this whole situation. I know it is all in God's hands.

Oh the road of IVF

Today I had a doctor appointment to check on my follicles and some blood work. My doctor was out today, but the nurse did my ultra sound. There were 8 follicles on the right and 4 on the left. My blood work came back that my FSH levels were low. I was suppose to stop Follistm today, but they had me come in and get another prescription so I can continue it. I am still doing 3 injections a day. We go back to see my doctor on Saturday morning. I should have a slight idea of when my retrieval will be. Yay! I also had my acupuncture appointment today. I really hope all this helps us get our BFP! We are trying to stay positive through this process. Lots and lots of praying. We appreciate all the kind messages, prayers, and support from our family and friends. I will update you when we know more. :)

suppression check #2

I went to my doctor appointment for my suppression check #2. The nurse called and let me know I was suppressed! So I started my stim meds today. I have one injection in the morning and 2 in the evening. I go back for an appointment on Thursday. Since my lining is so thick I will have a period. Bummer. Things are moving now! Yay! Starting tomorrow I will see my acupuncturist twice a week. Tuesday and Thursdays. My acupuncturist put me in his already busy schedule!

Suppression check #1

My suppression check was today and when my doctor was doing my ultrasound I could tell he wasn't impressed. He sent me over for my blood work. The blood work confirmed why my doctor was not impressed. I am not suppressed yet. Being suppressed for a IVF cycle is important so that you do not ovulate when starting stimulation injections. So, now I am taking some pills (2 a day) till Monday. I will go back to the doctor on Monday for another suppression check. I am kinda bummed, but it will all be ok. I will not be starting my Stim meds yet. I have to wait a bit longer. What is a little longer anyway...It has already been 2 years. I will update again on Monday and hopefully with better news.

Update on IVF cycle #2

IVF cycle #2 is going slowly. I started my little Lupron injections on Sunday...They are in my belly. They are pretty easy and don't really hurt. I go in for a suppression check on September 4th! Please let me be suppressed so I can move on! ha-ha!

I started seeing a new acupuncturist. It wasn't that I didn't like the last one, but I just hated driving to Norman for the appointments. So, I found a closer one and I really like him a lot! He is super nice and he gave me a hug at the end of the appointment. I am really excited and I really hope this increases my odds for IVF. It is said to help improve by 40-60 percent. Currently I am going once a week to prepare my body for pregnancy. Then when I start my stim injections I will go twice a week. He will focus on multiple things during that time. One of which will be to improve my egg to a grade A at transfer!

I have also in the last two weeks completely changed my diet. Now, I have days where I eat out or have a sweet or something, but I am eating better and not over eating like I use to. I am trying to lose weight and especially not gain anymore during my injections! I have been running or walking everyday. I have lost 3 lbs so far. I know that is not much, but it is a big deal to me. I am only drinking one pop a day and I am trying to completely stop drinking it when I start my stim injections. That is my goal! :)

Anyway, not much going on here, but eventually it will start moving! Continue to pray for Chris and I. We really appreciate all the prayers and support!

Comfort my heart God

I am not sure what my deal is latley...maybe it is the long wait between IVF. I start my injections on the 18th. I am still so nervous. I pray for peace and comfort everyday. I pray that whatever God has in his plans for Chris and I that we are ok with it and that our hearts are at peace. We were going to go to an adoption informational meeting yesterday, but Chris had a work deal. So we can just make an appointment with them by ourselves. The problem I am running into with this whole adoption thing is, that moment when I turn and face that adoption demon in the face is the day I believe I am saying good bye to the possibility of ever experiencing pregnancy...I didn't say mom for a reason. I will be a mom one day and that child will be mine either way. I guess I want to give this next IVF cycle another chance before I feel like I am giving up on the last of the hope I have left. We said we would do three cycles, but emotionally I don't know if we can. Unless you have been down this path you have no idea what we are experiencing. So here I am praying that we will see a miracle in September, but I also know that it could not happen. That is a daily struggle for me. Chris is so supportive and is on the wagon for adoption...and don't get me wrong I totally am too. I want to adopt, but I also would like to be able to wait awhile before we do because it is expensive. Currently we have wonderful insurance coverage for our infertility. I believe God has wonderful amazing plans for us! I truly can't wait to see God's plan in our life. I wish it wasn't this difficult..but I guess nothing is easy, right?
Lately, I have been feeling lonely. It is really hard to talk to some people about what we are going through because they do not understand. I feel like it is more a pain to talk about because I don't want to annoy people, but we really need all the support and prayers right now we can get. I know that sometimes I fall short of praising my God. I am thankful for what God has done with Chris and my life. My relationship grows deeper with God everyday and I am trying to be a better Christian daily. I will fall short sometimes, but I hope and pray that others can see the amazing things God is doing in our lives.

Hold on for the ride of infertility

Only 2 more weeks till I start injections again. Chris and I finished our antibiotics and I am still taking birth control- The birth control is to suppress my ovaries if you are wondering. :) I have 10 antibiotic pills left that I will take when I do my trigger shot in September. It seems so far away.. Last time it was a lot faster since I had been on the Lupron Depot shot and my ovaries were already suppressed. I have a suppression check and blood work on September 4th. From the appointment on it will start getting more busy with appointments and injections.

I  wanted to write about some feelings that go on during IVF because for some people they just don't understand and for others who do then they know these are normal feelings.
IVF is a very emotional process and we are sometimes slightly emotional from the medicines we are injecting ourselves (or husbands are injecting us) with. So please give us a break when we are down, sad, and being cry babies. I know to try to stay positive through this positive, but sometimes it is very hard to do that...especially for me after a failed IVF already. We go through a lot of appointments, blood work, needles, vaginal ultra sounds, drinking water and holding your pee forever for the egg retrieval, IV's, bed rest, and etc through this process. At times it can be very overwhelming and sometimes a hug would be really nice or a sweet note. It really makes a difference...trust me. I have been pretty lucky with the support I have around me. I have friends and family who brought me meals after my surgery and after my transfer. It helps out so much!

I am in this weird area of my infertility journey.... I am more nervous and scared this go around. I am really trying hard not to be. I have been praying for peace and comfort because I don't want to feel this unpleasant feeling on my heart. For me, I really think it is just the fear I will never experience pregnancy. People who are going through Infertility feel this way at times and some really never get to experience that in life. That is so sad especially when we watch people who can't care for their children pop out children like it is going out of style.

Please continue to pray with Chris and I for our little blessing(s) in our future. I have prayed for my future child and I can't wait to meet my child one day.

Baseline appointment

Yesterday morning I had my baseline appointment so I can start my IVF cycle. It was a vaginal ultrasound while on my period. Not much fun. My doctor found another cyst. I just had one removed in February. He said it shouldn't interfere with your IVF cycle. So lets pray it doesn't. I started my birth control and antibiotics today. Chris also starts his antibiotics today as well. My medicine is ordered. We will start injections in August. If all goes planned we should have retrieval and transfer in September. Like I said in my previous post I am having some anxiety this round. I am really scared. I know that God is control and I know I shouldn't have any fears, but I am human. Please continue to pray for Chris and I. Here is a few photos to lighten the mood.

 

Haha...seriously how I feel sometimes.

yep!

And so it begins again.

IVF #2

Well...it seems  like it has been forever since fertility treatments. It has only been about 3 months. Today Aunt Flow came to visit..three days early. So I called my Fertility Clinic to start my long IVF protocol. Tomorrow I have a baseline appointment with my doctor. Then I will start birth control on Wednesday. I will also get my schedule of when I will start my injections and all that stuff tomorrow. I have actually been having a lot of anxiety this time. Last time I was super excited and very hopeful that I was going to be pregnant. This time after experiencing a failed IVF and I am really scared. I am nervous because I feel like I am running out of choices and anywhere to go. Chris and I said we would do 3 IVF rounds...so here I am trying to relax because I know not to be stressed though this process. So onto more massages and acupuncture sessions. Oh, and a few pedicures here and there. ;)
So, please keep Chris and I in your prayers. We just pray that if this is in God's plan it will happen. I will update as we get more information on our IVF round #2.

Facing your Giants

Today at church we had a guest speaker. His name was Abraham Wright-he is a former Colorado football player. He is spoke today about us facing our giants and how God fights some battles for us, but others we have to fight with God on our side. This message spoke to my heart in a big way today...and I think that Chris and I both needed to hear this message more than ever today. We are facing a giant in our lives currently and that giant is Infertility. It is easy for us to lose hope and feel down and feel like we will never be parents. We have gone through a lot in the last two years of infertility. In the last two years we have gone through month after month of no pregnancy. I have been through multiple test and some of which were very uncomfortable. I had a surgery that revealed that I have stage 4 endometriosis. I have been on fertility medicines and lots of injections. We have gone through one failed IVF. We have experienced a lot of pregnancy announcements and a lot of friends who have babies now. That is why sometimes we are discouraged. BUT, God is on our side. We are fighting a battle in our lives that sucks really bad, but our God has never left our side. God is telling us to look at Him through this difficult time and to not give up on his promise to us. I know that God wants us to be parents and we will be parents one day. I know that God has a plan and a promise to us..and I know that I will still be sad and angry some days. That is natural. But, I need to remember always that God is on our side! He will get us through this journey we are going through. So, if you are going through infertility remember it is not over yet! Don't give up! If you are facing other giants in your life remember God also has a plan for you and He is on your side as you go through whatever you are going through. Listen, I am not perfect and a fail my God daily, but one thing I know is that I have a forgiving God and a God who will always be my side. He will never leave Chris and I and that is an Awesome feeling. I really needed this today since I have been down a lot...maybe because we are at a standstill in our fertility treatments...but soon we will be moving onto IVF #2! I am so excited to start IVF again and see the outcome of Gods promises.

Here is a picture of our early morning service with Abraham Wright.

A little this and little that

Hello all! Well, we got back from vacation on Thursday. The day we left for vacation I started my period. Seriously. Ugh! I was 5 days late..and I knew the hag would show her face. Now I have to wait for my next period and then I will be put on birth control on day 3 of my period. Then I will start injections for my next cycle of IVF. (Cycle #2) I will be on a bigger dose this time. Crossing our fingers and praying hard! Since I have another month I am going to start running again until I have to stop again. I've gained a crap load of weight during all this infertility treatments and stress. I am really unhappy with my body. BUT, I will take the fat with the infertility treatments if one day I get to hold a sweet baby.

Anywho! I just wanted to share a few pictures from our vacation since I really don't have any treatment updates at this time.

 

Me at the battleship

My handsome husband at the battleship

 

Getting ready to head out on the town of Panama City,Fl

Hubby at the ocean

Mace Family- Paula, Briana, Me, Chris, and Grandma Mace

Another Father's Day..

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33


I read this today and wanted to share. Read if you would like!
http://biblicalcounselingcoalition.org/blogs/2012/02/20/5-things-infertile-couples-want-others-to-know/

I think this relates to what I was saying in a recent blog post. Sometimes
we feel so left out. Today is Father's Day....a day that I know my husband wishes he could be part of. Today we left church and he felt so left out. Listen we love to celebrate our dads and wish everyone a lovely Father's Day, but it doesn't take the pain away from what we are dealing with. For the past two years we have said we will have a baby by next Father's Day or Christmas. Well....now we have stopped doing that. It cause us to hurt too much. As we are moving onto our next cycle we are trying to stay positive, but sometimes that pain of all the disappointment we have had takes a toll. All I want is to be able to give my husband a child. Is that too much to ask for? Apparently it is. It hurts so much when there is nothing wrong with him and it is all me. That just sucks. Being positive through all this makes situations better. We have our bad days and pick up the pieces the next day and move on.

Unless you have or are going through infertility you will never understand the pain we go through month after month. You will never know what it is like to have test after test, surgeries, being poked and prodded like an animal, taking medicine that changes your personality or going through In-vitro Fertilization(IVF). You will never understand why infertile women get upset when they see pregnant women or infants.


I am still waiting for my period. I am one day late. I know I am about to start. I have cramps and headaches. I wish the old hag would just show up  and go away because I want to be able to enjoy vacation without the old hag present. When you don't want her to show up she does and then when you want her to just come already she is late. Of course!!

Doctor appointment

Today Chris and I had our appointment-Post IVF fail appt.

This is what he told us: My estrogen levels are lower than he would like them for my age. So the next IVF cycle we will increase meds. We will be able to start our next cycle mid July. He also said he highly recommends us to do another cycle...which of course we are. He said our success is the same which is 60 percent for this next cycle. Hopefully this will get us our BFP!

Longing for a baby

Today I spent the day with my nieces at the zoo. As I was  holding my one year old niece I had such an empty feeling. I have that missing piece in my life that I want complete so bad. That missing piece is a child for Chris and me. I know that parenting is not easy..I know that it will be one of the hardest jobs I have, but it is also so rewarding. It is hard when everywhere you go there are families. Even church can be a left out experience sometimes. I try to be positive, but then some days I wonder if this will ever end?! I pray on a daily basis that God will heal my heart and give me peace....and I believe I have came a long way in my healing process and dealing with infertility. BUT, I am human and I still fall down and cry sometimes. That's ok! I have to realize that is ok and a part of the healing process. Geez, two years ago I wouldn't have believed you if you told me I was going to have infertility issues. Sometimes I wonder "Why me, God?" Then as one of my sisterhood (infertility friends) said these battles are given to the strongest people. I have become one heck of a strong woman in the past two years. My husband and I grew stronger in these two years and I never knew how much a man could love you with all this "hell" going on. We support each other more now than ever before. God knew what he was doing when I randomly met Chris 9 years ago. Yes, 9 years ago! Wow! :)

My sweet Grandmother Young and I talked on the phone today. She asked how I was doing...and then I got tears in my eyes. I love that woman so much because I know in all my heart that she cares and prays for Chris and me every single day! What a wonderful blessing she is and I am thankful God let her be my grandma.


So here we are moving on with our journey and refuse to give up. God has a wonderful plan for us and I am excited for our future child(ren).

We see Dr. Reshef in 6 days! I am so ready for that appointment! I have my acupuncture appointment in 2 days! I wonder what I will be told at that appointment? I will let you know.

For all of you that continue to pray for us thank you so much! :)

Thankful

Sometimes when going through this much heartbreak we tend to forget about all that we do have. First, I am so thankful that God put Chris in my life at such a young age. He has helped me become who I am today. I also think some of the journeys I have been on have made me who I am. I am a different person than I was before I started this infertility journey. I am thankful for having a beautiful home and being in the place that Chris and I are in our lives. We have supportive relatives and friends in our lives.

Saturday I threw a baby shower and surprisingly I did well. I thought I was going to be sad afterwards, but thankfully I was fine! I am going to post a few pictures from the shower. The shower turned out really cute. :)

My friend Emily-she is having a boy!

The table decorations with the help from Kristen

The food table

 

The cute Bee oreo pops!

 

 

 

 

After the shower I went to see my best friend, Jennifer and her daughter.

 

 

One day at a time

My post failed IVF appointment is on June 11th. Chris will be out of town for work so we had to push it back. I am so ready for this appointment to find out what went wrong and/or to see what my doctor suggest. I am starting acupuncture on June 7th. I am going to a place in Norman who also does Chinese medicine. I am really excited about starting it and I am so thankful to my in-laws who gave me some money towards it! I had a really nice massage the other day. I am really trying to relax and be positive. Sometimes that is hard and sometimes some days are harder then others, but I am doing much better! It is a step by step process.

I have also started considering adoption and looking at options, but I am not ready to let go at this point of having a baby on my own yet.

Lately I have felt a little anger at teenage pregnancy and family members that are not married having children. I know that is awful, but it is the truth. I just get upset watching it all around me...well it seems like it at least. I just keep praying that God will heal my heart and lift the anger from it. I know it is not good, but I am also trying to heal through this process. It has definitely been difficult.

I will update my blog when I find out new information about what is going on and what our next steps will be. I am finally off my period....It was an AWFUL period!!

Stronger

Tomorrow will be one week since I found out that our first IVF cycle failed. It was one of the worst days I have experienced. Please don't tell me there are worst things in life because at that moment that was the worst thing that could happen to me. I am doing much better. Every day I am a little bit stronger. I still get a little teary eyed occasionally, but overall I am much better! I believe God is giving me strength to move on. My sweet in-laws sent me a gift so I can start acupuncture. I have read lots of good things about acupuncture so I am going to give it a try! I am also taking so things out of my diet. I mean business with this baby making. :) Seriously though..I have to try all I can! We only have 2 days left of school! Crazy! I will miss my second graders like crazy, but I am so ready for school to be out. I need to be able to focus on what we are going through.

A new day

After a very long night of crying I am slowly getting better. I am not ok..yet. I am still sad, angry, and confused. I know most people won't understand this, but I feel like I am grieving a death..seriously. It is like I can't wake up from a bad dream. We go see our doctor in two weeks. Yesterday I was mad that we have to wait 2 weeks, but then after thinking logically I thought that was best. I guess I would rather have time to grieve and then go in with a fresh head and be able to move on.

I never imagined having a child would be this hard and I never imagined wanting a child as bad as Chris and I want one. It is such an empty feeling. My fear is that I will never experience pregnancy. That is a terrible fear.

I know without a doubt that my God is here with me and giving me strength to pick up all the little pieces of my heart that broke yesterday. My God loves me and I know he has a wonderful plan. I don't understand it right now and I am still angry, but I believe God will heal my heart soon.

I am so very thankful for my husband who has been such a great support person. He is strong and I know his heart hurts terrible. He was pretty down yesterday.

So today I am one step closer to whatever God's plan is. I sure hope that plan is that I will have a sweet baby soon. I am heartbroken..very heartbroken. BUT, it will get better.

I decided to skip a school baby shower tomorrow. It is best for me. I have been strong enough to attend all the baby shower's I've been invited to, but I thought very hard and it is best if I skip the one tomorrow. I have to take care of myself too. I did pitch in money for a gift. I am giving a shower in two weeks and I pray that my strength is back by then. If not I guess it will be a tearful day afterwards.

Thank you for all the prayers and continued support! I hope soon Chris and I can give fantastic news. For now just know we appreciate all of our family and friends support.

IVF cycle #1

My first IVF cycle failed. I'm not pregnant. I am angry, sad, and jealous. I am so heartbroken right now. I do not understand why we are going through this.

Mother's Day

So here it is the day that I have dreaded for awhile..Mother's Day! Currently all I have done is cried. I cry seeing little babies with their momma's. I hope that on Wednesday I will be told I will finally be a mom, but then a part of me is scared of more disappointment...I know most people say stay positive, but after 2 years of trying it is hard! I am also writing out my friend's shower invitations which is also making me an emotional mess. I will be ok..tomorrow. :) Today, I will try to finish up these invites so I can hang out with my sweet husband. I do have to say that my sweet sister in-law sent me a sweet text message that made me cry..a good cry! She basically said that one day I will be the best mom! How sweet. :)

My pictures

 

 

 

Here are the 2 embryos that were transferred!

 

 

My sweet husband sent me flowers! He is so sweet!

 

Day 5/Transfer Day

Yesterday was transfer day. We had two embryos transferred. I had to have a full bladder for transfer. So that was a little uncomfortable for me. The objects and pushing on my belly was not helpful either. Then I had to lay there for an hour with my knees up before I go to the restroom. Man that sucked! My mom came to help and it has been very nice. My back is hurting from laying on my back so much, but hopefully it all we will be worth it. I have a picture I will post when I get on my other computer. May 15th I will do my blood pregnancy test and I can't wait. So nervous...I hope this next week flies by fast.

Day 3

On day 3 embryos:

We have 3 (10 celled embryos), 1 (9 cell embryo), and2 ( 7 celled embryos). The secondary one didn't divide. Numbers are looking good. There will be no call/update for day 4 because from day 3 to day 4 there is not many changes.

Day 2

Day 2 update:

There are 3 (6 celled), 2(5 cells), 1(4 cell). The nurse said tomorrow we are looking for them to double. I will be a day 5 transfer so on Monday. She also said the 2 icsi'ed yesterday 1- nothing (no fertilization) and 1- fertilized, but doesn't look pretty. Whoo! I am so ready for Monday! :) I will be on bed rest though Wednesday. This weekend I have plans to find a few books to read! I can only get up to use the restroom. I will blog with my update tomorrow of day 3! Pray they develop well!

Day 1

9 retrieved; 7 matured;  3 fertilized;  2 matured overnight and they were icsi'd this morning. I know this is short, but I am so tired! My class had a musical tonight so I was at school late!

Retrieval

We had to be at Bennet Fertility at 7:30 this morning. The put me in a room to get dressed in the lovely gown that I had to wear! Sexy huh? ;) The start my IV..which was the worst part of the whole process. They take me back to the room to do the retrieval. Last thing I remember is being told to put the mask on. :) Then I took a nap. Hahaha. I remember waking up to people talking to me and then falling back asleep. I wake up finally and see my husband sitting there. He went and got me a sprite. I was thirsty! I had to go to the bathroom really bad too! Finally after using the restroom I was able to get the IV out and get dressed. I was wheeled out to my car. That is embarrassing because everyone stares at you. I had 9 eggs retrieved. They will call tomorrow to update us. That is all peeps. Now, I am going to finish my movie I am watching and rest. :)